


take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die

by itsyuu



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:01:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27982740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsyuu/pseuds/itsyuu
Summary: "I think I'm in love with you."Of all the things Juyeon could have said, Chanhee surely wasn't expecting that.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 30
Kudos: 152





	take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die

Chanhee is happy with his life right now, he thinks. This year, despite everything going on in the world, has brought The Boyz a lot of good things, and he still can't believe as everything happened just so fast. Their fandom is growing at an incredible pace, which amazes Chanhee, and he knows the other members feel the same. Everything feels like a dream, a dream so good that he's just scared he'll wake up. He doesn't, though. In short, he thinks that saying that he is satisfied with his life would be an understatement.

The preparation for their upcoming comeback is waiting just around the corner, and Chanhee feels the excitement he gets everytime that time comes rushing in. He thinks about all the things he can do even better than he did last comeback, and how he can improve and show a side no one saw before. It's thrilling, it's what make him think that becoming an idol was the right choice for him. 

Chanhee is happy. There is not doubt about it. But his mind still lingers to dangerous territories sometimes, ones he wishes he could bury, and it's especially the case that night. 

He is lying down on his bed, the phone in his hand showing the moving pictures of a drama he's been recently watching. Chanhee likes dramas, it's always nice to just shut his mind off and focuses all his energy on the images before him. But this time, he can't seem to shut his brain off. 

Chanhee thinks a lot, he doesn't know if it's surprising or not, if fans suspect that side of him, but he tends to let his mind wonder about everything and nothing. And it can sometimes be overwhelming, intrusive thoughts making their way when Chanhee doesn't want to deal with them. 

He watches as two young attractive people kiss on his screen, the music playing in the background making the scene even more impactful as finally the two main characters admitted how in love they were with eachother this whole time. And it hits Chanhee harder than he should. 

Chanhee is a hopeless romantic at heart. Always has been, since very little, dreaming about meeting someone (a girl, he thought at that time, as that was what his parents taught him), falling in love, marrying that person and have many children. It looks good on tv, it feels good in books. As he grew older, he quickly realized he liked boys, but his desire for romance didn't lessen at all. He knew things would be more difficult, obstacles he would have to face that he didn't want to think about, but he still thought that he would find that special someone, no matter what, who would make his heart beat fast and his stomach grew butterflies. He did, for a long time, long for that feeling.

He tried a lot. Meeting guys in secret, even after debut, waiting to find one who would be just right for him. He tried to feel something, anything, any attachement to any of them. But it never came. It always ended with Chanhee having to cut ties because the other person was just way to invested in it, and he just.. didn't feel anything. Most of them he found attractive, that wasn't the problem, he just couldn't give them what they truly wanted. And he wasn't cruel, he didn't want to lead them on any longer than he already had. He thought it didn't matter at first, he was just picky, he would find someone who would make him live his dream of romance. Yet, the moment never came.

Chanhee is still young, he has a long time to go before getting desesperate, but at 22 years old, he feels like he should have at least fallen in love once. Or even have a relationship with someone. But he couldn't. He didn't feel anything for anyone. Has never did. Chanhee sometimes thinks that the only thing he could fall in love with was the idea of love.

So he just gave up. Maybe love isn't that great, after all. He only heard about it, maybe people lied about it, making it seems better than it is. 

But this night, watching the drama, Chanhee felt the urge to be hold, and loved, and cherished, by a person he was in love with. He knows he shouldn't spiral down these kind of thoughts, especially right now with the comeback in prepation, he doesn't have time to dwell on insignificant things. He locks his phone before even finishing the episode, and puts it down. 

All the members have had relationship, though, Chanhee thinks. Some of them like Haknyeon or Younghoon are still in one right now. And Chanhee knows he's being selfish, but he's unbelievably jealous. The way they talk about their girlfriends so easily, with a shy smile on their face, a dreamy look in their eyes. They always look utterly happy everytime they mention them. Does being in love feel that nice? He wonders. 

And Chanhee knows there is more to life than relationship. He shouldn't reduce his experience of happiness to that but.. He can't help but feel like something is missing. Like he's yearning for something he can't seem to have. And it's not like no one wants him. He thought about dating a guy even without feeling anything for him. But he couldn't bring himself to it. It wasn't what he imagined, what he dreamed of. 

However, after some self-reflection time, Chanhee finally understood that this foolish dream would maybe never come. And it's okay. Maybe he's just unable to have such feelings. He finds men attractive, yes, but maybe he can't fall in love. And it should be fine, many people don't develop romantic feelings, he has learned. But Chanhee has just always been obsessed with the concept of love, so it was really hard on him. 

Now he doesn't care most of the time. He has other things to worry about and focus on. The futile desire of a relationship just can't keep him down. And it has its perks, he thought when he saw Eric cried himself to sleep for way too many days when his (now ex) girlfriend dumped him. Maybe it's for the best. Love sounds nice, but it does seem to hurt like hell.

Chanhee sighs, tries to find a comfortable position, shutting out these thoughts he can't have anymore. He closes his eyes, falling asleep to the sound of Eric breathing in the bed just below. 

The next morning, Chanhee wakes up pretty early. Not because he wants to, but he promised Juyeon he would tag along to his singing lessons today. And more singing lessons wouldn't hurt after all. Plus Juyeon has been putting a lot of effort into singing these days, Chanhee is glad to be someone reliable to Juyeon when it comes to helping him with it. 

He doesn't bother putting on makeup today, he just takes a mask and a comfortable hoodie, before joining Juyeon who's already in the kitchen.

"Good morning." Chanhee says quietly, as he sats down on the first chair he finds, not waken up enough to do any unecessary movement. 

Juyeon looks up and immediately smiles. 

"Morning." He says while preparing his coffee. "Want one?" He gestures to the coffee machine. 

Chanhee nods. He then yawns (probably way too loudly) and puts his head in his arms.

"Didn't sleep well?" Juyeon asks softly, obviously trying not to shake Chanhee up even more.

Chanhee shakes his head.

"You can go back to sleep if you want to, it's okay if you can't come today.." Juyeon says, worries clear in his voice. At that, Chanhee shakes his head once again.

"No I want to go, don't worry." Chanhee sits up straight, trying to wake himself up. "One coffee and I'll be fine." 

He knows Juyeon wouldn't hold it against him if he says that he prefers to stay home, but he can't say no to Juyeon, even less when he promised. 

"Okay." Juyeon smiles, genuine and wide.

The vocal lesson turns out to be quite short, but they are told to practice as soon as it ends. Which leads to where they are now, in Juyeon's (and Eric) studio room, repeating over and over the same exercice their vocal coach showed them. Chanhee pays close attention to Juyeon, and tells him when he does something wrong or right. Juyeon is a quick learner, Chanhee has found out over the past few years, and it's quite impressive how he can pick up on literally anything. He just knows that by the end of practice Juyeon will nail the exercice better than anyone. That's just how he is.

"You're holding that note really well." Chanhee comments, and Juyeon nods hesitantly.

Another thing about Juyeon is how he reacts to compliments. Chanhee knows Juyeon can be quite shy, and it mostly happen when someone is praising him. He deserves all the praises, truly, but he still reacts like he's surprised, not expecting it. Maybe it feels different coming from the other members, maybe it comes over as more intimate and genuine? He doesn't know, but everytime he praises Juyeon over literally anything, the boy just smiles awkwardly, clearly not knowing how to respond. At first Chanhee thought he just didn't care about the praises, but then he noticed the way his ears turn slighly pink everytime.

"Coming for the main vocalist title, huh?" Chanhee teases him. 

Juyeon rapidly shakes his head, smiling shyly.

"I could never." 

"You sure could with how much you're improving." Chanhee says, genuinely, and Juyeon continues to shake his head. 

"Liar." He says, and Chanhee gasps loudly. 

"Me? Lying?" He puts his hand on his heart, acting offended. "You're hurting me Juyeon."

Juyeon just laughs, pushing Chanhee shoulder lightly.

"Stop that." He looks at Chanhee for a second, the laughter dying on his lips, leaving only the trace of a small smile. "But thank you."

Chanhee smiles back. "You're welcome." 

The others join them at the agency later in the day to practice the choreography of their new title track. It's a very tiring and challenging choreography, and it demands a lot of concentration and precise movements. So Chanhee just pours all his mind into dancing until his limbs feel sore all over and his brain just stop working, like every night. 

They make it back to their dorms very late in the night, all of them quiet on the ride home, just exhausted. But it feels good, Chanhee thinks. It's rewarding to wash up and slip into his bed after a busy and productive day. So that's just what he does, quickly, wanting to just lie down and falls asleep as soon as possible. Fortunately, tomorrow is a rest day, so he doesn't have to wake up early. 

He's changed into his pajamas and ready to go to bed, Eric already sitting on his, when a knock is heard on the door. Chanhee raises a eyebrow. Who ever knock before entering their room? 

"Yeah?" Eric asks, tapping quickly on his phone, probably playing a new game he's going to obsess over for two weeks and then drop.

The door opens and Juyeon's head picks through the gap. 

"Can I come in?" He asks, and Chanhee and Eric just nod naturally. 

He enters and closes the door behind him, gently, weirdly caucious. He turns and looks at them. Chanhee immediately notices that he seems nervous. 

"Something is wrong?" He asks, and Eric looks up from his phone at that. 

Juyeon shakes his head. "No.. It's nothing." He answers, and then falls silent again. Okay, this is becoming suspicious.

"Are you sure? You look nervous." Eric points out.

"Do I?" He says, laughing awkwardly before clearing his throat. "Um.. I just.. Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asks, and Chanhee at first thinks he is talking to Eric, of course, but Juyeon is looking directly at him.

"Me?" He asks, surprised.

Juyeon just nods. 

Eric looks surprised as well. He raises his eyebrows, probably wanting to ask questions but not daring to.

"Um.. Do you want me to leave?" Eric asks, probably feeling weirdly out of place in his own room right now.

"Please." Juyeon says, and Chanhee is beginning to feel stressed.

What is it that Juyeon want to tell him but can't in front of Eric? Did something happen with one of the member? Is it about Eric? A hundred of questions are running through his mind right now as Eric gets up and leaves them both alone in the quiet room.

Chanhee looks at Juyeon, waiting for him to say anything, but Juyeon keeps looking at anything but him. 

"Should we sit down?" Chanhee proposes, as to make things less awkward even though he has no idea what is going on. 

Juyeon lets out a tiny "Yeah" and sits on Eric's bed. Chanhee slowly sits down next to him, now starting to act awkward too. Damn you Juyeon. 

Chanhee waits, looking at Juyeon, not wanting to pressure him. Sure, Chanhee feels impatient and way too worried, but he considers it might be really important if Juyeon acts like that.

"Don't look like that, it's not that serious, don't worry." Juyeon finally says, and Chanhee feels a bit of relief washes over him. Still, it doesn't explain as to why Juyeon looks this anxious.

"What is it then?" Chanhee asks softly, putting his hand on Juyeon's knee, encouraging him to open up as best as he can. Chanhee is the type of person the members would typically go to if they have a problem, being a good listener.

Juyeon laughs awkwardly again, ruffling his own hair.

"It's.. Well.." Juyeon starts, and Chanhee looks at him, waiting, understanding. 

Juyeon closes his eyes exhales slowly. Chanhee just stares, starting to draw circles with his thumb on his knee. Juyeon stays like this for a few seconds, which feel way too long, before he finally opens his eyes and locks them with Chanhee's. His expression has changed, and it seems like he's gathering all his courage when he lets out the following words. 

"I think I'm in love with you." 

Of all the things Juyeon could have said, Chanhee surely wasn't expecting that. He just stares at him, not really registering what he just heard. 

"What did you say?" Chanhee says, immediately thinking that he must have misheard, even though he is sure he didn't.

"Don't make me repeat please." Juyeon says, pleading, and Chanhee's heart drops into his stomach, slowly realizing. 

Juyeon just said that he likes him? No, that he is in love with him. Juyeon. In love with him. There must be a mistake. It's not possible.. When.. How? Juyeon doesn't look in love with him. What is he saying? Is he joking? But Juyeon looks way too serious right now, and he would never joke about something like that. 

Chanhee must look completely confused and speechless right now, because Juyeon continues.

"I'm sorry.. You probably don't feel that way it's just.. I thought.. Since you like men. And you're nice to me.. Maybe." Juyeon mumbles, and Chanhee's stomach starts aching so bad, but he doesn't say anything, too dumbfounded for his brain to even work properly. "It was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything." 

Chanhee feels the need to disagree, to tell him that it wasn't stupid, that it's fine, but he doesn't even know if he thinks so. 

"Why?" is the only thing he can let out at that moment. Because that's just what he's asking himself right now. Why Juyeon loves him? How does he know that he loves him? Chanhee didn't even know Juyeon liked men too. This is so confusing. Juyeon must be mistaken, it's not love. It can't be. 

"Why I love you?" Juyeon asks, letting the word love past his mouth so easily that Chanhee feel his head spinning. 

He just nods.

"It.. It doesn't need any explanation right? I just love you." Juyeon says, and he looks so sure of himself, not doubting any second what he is saying. Chanhee can't believe it.

"How do you know that you.. love me?" Chanhee asks difficultly, before shaking his head. "You don't. Juyeon it's- not love, it's something else, it must be I-" 

But Juyeon cuts him off before he can finish.

"Chanhee." He says, softly but firm."Don't. Don't say that. I know what I feel." He says, and Chanhee feels overwhelmed, his heart hammering painfully against his chest.

"How.." Chanhee whispers, because he just can't wrap his head around it. It makes no sense.

"I just do." Juyeon says, and Chanhee would think that he is weirdly calm about the situation by the tone of his voice, if not for the way his eyes are slowly getting glossy. Chanhee's hands start to shake, and he lets go of Juyeon's knee, just now noticing that his hand was still there. 

Juyeon is in love with him. For whatever reason that Chanhee can't understand, he loves him. Chanhee feels like he's going to be sick. And Juyeon looks like he could cry at any second and he just can't take it. 

"I'm sorry.." Chanhee lets out, desesperate, because that's all he can say right now. Sorry that I can't love you back. Sorry that you fell in love with me. 

Juyeon just nods, looking away from him. Chanhee knows he is doing it because he doesn't want to cry in front of him, and it's killing him.

"Juyeon.." He wants to say more, to explain himself, but explain what? There is nothing here. Juyeon confessed, Chanhee rejected him, and now everything that they've shared for the past few years is slipping away from his grip. It shouldn't be like that. What is happening?

"It's okay." Juyeon just says, and his voice sounds weak, shaking a little at the end. "I'll just go.." He gets up but Chanhee quickly holds onto his sleeve.

"Please.." Chanhee pleads. He doesn't want Juyeon to leave, because then that means it's over, that he's lost him. Chanhee hates it. But he has nothing more to say, nothing more to offer. He can't. It wouldn't be fair. 

"Chanhee.." Juyeon lets out, still refusing to look at him, and now he can clearly hear the sob in his voice. Juyeon is crying, and that's Chanhee's fault. He doesn't say anything else, but that's enough for Chanhee to accept to let him go. And Juyeon leaves, his head down, closing the door gently after him. Chanhee wishes he slammed it. He wishes Juyeon were angry at him, he wishes he started cursing and screaming at him. Calling him names, calling him empty and underserving of receiving such love. Because he was, underserving. But Juyeon didn't. Of course he didn't.

Chanhee feels lost, guilty, angry. Angry at himself, selfishly angry at Juyeon for confessing, or even falling in love with him, out of all people. But Chanhee mostly blames himself for allowing it to happen, for being unable to return those feelings. And he fears that he just lost Juyeon. That he just ruined what they have, and maybe ruining the group along the way. He knows Juyeon is a professional and wouldn't make it interfere with their activity as a group, but it's these types of thing that just undermine groups from the inside and make everything falls apart. He can't let it happen, for the sake of the members, and for his sake too. He can't lose them too.

Chanhee doesn't even realized tears are just rolling down his face when a sob finally breaks in. He doesn't even have the strength to return to his bed and just lies down in Eric's, his shoulders shaking, and whimpers leaving his mouth before he can even prevent them. 

Eric doesn't come back to their room that night, and Chanhee cries, and cries, until he is too exhausted to do so.

Chanhee really doesn't want to wake up the next morning. He feels like he hasn't had even an ounce of sleep, and his eyes sting so bad that he wishes he didn't have to open them at all. He actually considers the idea, after all they have nowhere to go to today, but he also knows that staying in bed all day is probably not the best idea for him right now. He sighs and sits up after some indulgent time, immediately going to the bathroom to wash up. He luckily doesn't pass by anyone, but he already hears people talking vividly in the kitchen. His stomach drops thinking about who might be in that said kitchen. He really doesn't want to see Juyeon today. Doesn't want to even imagine how the boy would look at him now. Don't think about it, Chanhee repeats to himself when he enters the shower, letting the warm water envelope him. 

But he keeps thinking about it. It doesn't want to leave his mind, how Juyeon told him he loved him, and how his eyes teared up when he understood that Chanhee didn't. 

He takes his time in the shower, his mind running a mile an hour, so many thoughts and many fears taking over him that he feels like suffocating. But, he can't self-pity too much, Juyeon must feel so much worse than he is right now. And that's what make it so much harder. Hurting Juyeon is truly the worst thing of it all. Chanhee has never met someone as pure and as nice as Juyeon. The members often say that Jacob is the nicest of them all, and Chanhee doesn't disagree, but he feels like Juyeon could easily take the title too. Juyeon is not someone you want to hurt, at all, ever. And he is also not that open up about his feelings (making the sudden confession even more surprising) so Chanhee knows that he will just hide how he feels about all of this. He didn't mean to cry in front of him last night, probably beating himself up over it now. Chanhee wants to throw up. 

He finishes washing up, thinking that the others would kill him if he just takes up all the hot water (even though he probably already did). His stomach squeezes at the idea of going in the kitchen right now, but he can't hide forever, and even worse, if he just stays in his room it will probably be drawing attention to himself. Definitely the last thing he wants right now. So he dresses up quickly and join the others, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. 

"Chanhee!" Changmin screams, and Chanhee can't help but wince seeing the boy that hyper already. 

"Hey." He says, casually as Younghoon comes up to him and silently pats his hair down, making Chanhee understand that he probably look like a mess right now despite the shower.

Chanhee doesn't really look at Juyeon. He refuses to see how he looks like right now, or how he will just ignore Chanhee from now on. It's better to turn a blind eye for the next few days, maybe it will hurt less. He sits down as far away from him as possible, and serves himself a bowl of cereal even though he doesn't feel hungry at all.

However, he does make eye-contact with Eric, sitting just beside Juyeon. Eric just looks back at him, and Chanhee suddenly remembers that Eric knows that something happened with them last night. He was there when Juyeon confronted him after all, and didn't return, probably spent the night with a broken Juyeon in his arms. Chanhee shudders at the thought. But Chanhee doesn't think Eric truly knows what happened, as he doesn't look at him with anger, but curiosity. Juyeon didn't tell him. He didn't tell anyone, of course, probably not to make things more awkward than it needs to be. 

"Should we practice a little today?" Changmin proposes. It's never truly a rest day with them, as they always take advantage of that free time to refine their choregraphies and skills. Maybe they work too much, and sometimes Chanhee would decline, not feeling like it, but he actually thinks that it's a good idea today. At least working would keep his mind off of things.

Of course he is very wrong about that. They're currently in their practice room, all sweating furiously, and Chanhee just can't concentrate. Juyeon is leading the dance, teaching them parts that some of them have still difficulties with. And by some of them, Chanhee means himself, except that he just can't look at Juyeon properly even when he's explaining things to him.

"Chanhee focus." Juyeon says as Chanhee makes yet another mistake, and he can feel Juyeon getting frustrated with him. He doesn't blame him, he is probably as frustrated if not more with himself. And that's making it just worse because he just thinks so much about not making mistakes that he just ends up doing them everytime. 

They try one more time, and Chanhee gives his best, truly, but the stress and overall irritation he feels right now makes him make even more mistakes than before. Juyeon stops the music, and Chanhee suddenly finds the floor very interesting.

"Look Chanhee, just follow what I do." Juyeon says, and his voice sounds soft, but Chanhee can still hear the hint annoyance slowly growing. Juyeon does it once, and Chanhee tries to look at him as much as possible without really looking (meaning he just doesn't look at his face, avoiding any eye-contact).

"Do it." Juyeon says, and Chanhee tries to reproduce it, looking at himself in the mirror, but he knows he can't get it right anymore. He feels his eyes starting to sting. Why is he acting like that? Juyeon is doing his best to hold his own in front of the members but Chanhee can't when he was the one who rejected him? 

"Again." Chanhee does it again, and again, and he can feel the tension slowly building in the room. Everyone is annoyed with him, Chanhee thinks. Juyeon hates him, and everyone will probably hate him too for hurting Juyeon anyway. He can't do this. 

"I can't." Chanhee says after too many tries, mumbling like a child. He's so ashamed of himself right now he wishes the floor would swallow him whole. 

"Chanhee look at me." Juyeon says, clearly on edge but trying his best to be nice to him. 

Chanhee doesn't look up from the floor. 

And Juyeon snaps.

"Look at me for fuck's sake." He spits out loudly, anger filling his voice and Chanhee can hear the quiet gasps coming from behind him. As if on autopilot, Chanhee finally looks at him. 

Juyeon looks angry, like Chanhee has never seen him, but also hurt. So hurt that Chanhee feels himself tearing up. That what he was afraid of. He doesn't want to see him like that. 

"Hey what is going on-" Sangyeon says, trying to interfere, probably feeling as shocked as Chanhee right now.

"You can't even look at me anymore?" Juyeon says, his voice now shaking, ignoring Sangyeon, eyes still locked on him. 

And that's what does it for Chanhee. He let the tears which were threatening to spill for a while just pour down his face, not doing anything to stop them, not avoiding Juyeon's eyes on him anymore.

Juyeon's look changes immediately. And Chanhee doesn't want Juyeon to pity him. Not when he's the one who hurt him. So he quickly shakes his head when Sangyeon, followed closely by Younghoon and then the others members, start to fuse over Chanhee crying, asking him worryingly what's wrong. 

"I'm fine, it's nothing.." Chanhee says weakly, trying to reassure them but probably doing a poor job at it since the tears just keep coming.

Juyeon doesn't move, looking so confused, so lost. And Chanhee feels like they really need to talk again, even though he doesn't know if it will make things better or worse. And he doesn't know if Juyeon even wants to.. But the words Juyeon just spilled keep replaying in his mind. Juyeon is mad because Chanhee didn't want to look at him? But.. That's what he thought would be best for the situation right now, can't he see? Did he think Chanhee was avoiding him? Well.. He was avoiding him but.. He didn't mean that way. But how could Juyeon know?

Oh, he feels like such an idiot right now. Of course Juyeon would feel bad if Chanhee just started avoiding him after he told him he loved him. Of course he would feel like Chanhee just doesn't want anything to do with him, weirded out for being confessed too. It makes too much sense. 

Chanhee just keeps making it worse. 

"Chanhee we're not mad at you, please don't cry I swear it's okay-" Changmin's voice keeps repeating in his ears, obviously panicked. Chanhee shakes his head once again.

"It's not you, it's nothing really.. I'm just tired." He tries to explain. They might not buy it but that's all he can offer them right now. 

He doesn't really register what everyone is saying right now, only that Sangyeon is telling them that they should be quiet and give him some space. His eyes go to find Juyeon again, who hasn't moved from his place but looks as worried as the others. Chanhee quickly wipes his tears, trying to control his breathing as much as he can to calm himself down. 

It's not the first time a member has a breakdown like this during practice, as exhaustion sometimes really bring them to their limits. But Chanhee doesn't cry a lot in front of people, so it's a rare occurrence for him.

"Juyeon you shouldn't have talked to Chanhee like that." He hears Younghoon says and immediately comes back to his senses.

"No it's okay." Chanhee says, tugging on Younghoon's arm. Younghoon looks upset, and he knows how overprotective he can be despite the fact that Chanhee can take care of himself, thank you very much.

"We're just stressed, he has nothing to do with it okay?" 

Younghoon doesn't look convinced, the scowl still very much present on his face, as Juyeon just looks back, surprised, not even trying to defend himself.

"Let's just drop it okay? I'm fine." Chanhee assures him, even though he probably look like a mess with his cheeks still wet and eyes red. 

Younghoon's scowl deepens at first, but he then relaxes and nods. Chanhee sighs. He doesn't want to create any unecessary tension between any of the members, any less between Juyeon and another member. 

"Okay, let's just end practice there." Sangyeon says, and everyone agrees in unisson. "Chanhee, come with me for a second."

Chanhee only nods ands follows Sangyeon. He knew he would have the leader talk anyway after the scene he made, so he thinks that he might just get it over with.

"Something happened with Juyeon?" Sangyeon asks, straight to the point. He always is, which Chanhee appreciates a lot. 

"No, nothing." Chanhee lies, and it should make him feel guilty but he's used to lying. Being a closeted gay idol is a good experience for that. 

Except Sangyeon is not dense, and Chanhee knows that he doesn't believe him any second. But Sangyeon also knows that when Chanhee doesn't want to tell something, nothing will make him talk.

Sangyeon nods. "Please sort it out and rest when we get home, okay?" 

"Yeah, okay." 

The ride home is awkwardly quiet, and embarrassing for Chanhee as Changmin and Younghoon are sandwiching him and treating him like he'll just break down again any second. He's a bit annoyed, but deep down really grateful. Even if he's not at all worried about himself right now, but more about Juyeon. 

The boy is sitting in the passenger seat, making it impossible for Chanhee to see his expression or anything. Chanhee can't wait anymore, wanting to clear up the misunderstanding between them as soon as possible. And he doesn't know if he'll be capable of doing so in person, so he does the next best thing.

He carefully takes out his phone and types, making sure neither Changmin or Younghoon are reading over his shoulder.

Chanhee  
I'm sorry for earlier. I wasn't trying to ignore you at all. I didn't think of how you would feel and that was very stupid of me. I thought you wouldn't want to see me again. Sorry

He rereads the message again and again, and then after contemplating just deleting the whole thing, hits send. He can immediately see Juyeon checks his phone, and he bites the inside of his cheeks nervously. 

Juyeon takes some time to answer, and Chanhee would fear that he's just not going to do it if not for the way Juyeon has been typing for the past few minutes. 

Just as he thinks that, his phone vibrates.

Juyeon  
No I'm sorry for snapping at you. I can understand that I've made it quite weird for you so it's okay, don't worry. And there's no way I would never want to see you again Chanhee. 

Chanhee sighs quietly in relief. He really thought the confession Juyeon made would break everything between them, frienship or not, but that doesn't seem to be the case. 

Chanhee  
So we still friends? 

He has to make sure Juyeon is okay with it. He doesn't want to make him suffer more than he already has. 

The answer comes almost immediately.

Juyeon  
Of course.

Chanhee smiles at his phone. A weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Sure, it will be awkward for them, but they can go through this. They'll act like nothing happened, be close again, Juyeon's feelings will fade over time and he'll realize Chanhee has never been the one for him anyway. It's going to be fine. 

Things get better. Not less awkward, though. Chanhee and Juyeon try to act as nonchalant as possible, talking (they think) normally when they're with others, but not spending any time the two of them alone anymore. Which is a bit sad, but Chanhee assumes things could have been worse. Plus, it's been only a week since the whole thing happened so he guesses it's normal that they're not over it that easily. 

Chanhee tries really hard to reach out to Juyeon, but he can't forget the feelings Juyeon said he has for him, and sees every interaction he has with him as something different than before. He also doesn't want to overstep Juyeon's bondaries and make him comfortable, which doesn't make it easier to approach him. 

And members have noticed it too, because of course they would. Their relationship obviously shifted really fast with no explanation to any of their teammates. Most of them think it's because of the altercation they had in the practice room, but it wouldn't make them drift apart that much, so they must suspect something else had happened. 

Fortunately, they're not pressuring them to know more about it, letting them sort things out, even if Chanhee can feel their eyes on them everytime Juyeon and him interact awkwardly (which is all of their interactions at this point). 

Today is a bit of a special day, since it's time for Chanhee alongside Eric to change their hair colors for their new concept. And Chanhee is really excited. He's seen photos of what they want to do with his hair, the blond and blue thing, and he absolutely loves it. Plus, he can't wait to get rid of his pink hair. It's pretty, don't get him wrong, but he had it for so long now that he just wants something else at this point.

Eric and him are both getting quite hard-to-do hair colors, and Chanhee really hopes both of them come out really well. The process is long and a bit painful (the constant bleaching is really starting to get on Chanhee's nerves), but when it's finally over, Chanhee is beyond satisfied. He actually thinks it looks better than what he imagined. And he can't wait to show the others, and maybe brag about it, because why not. 

He comes back to the dorms with Eric, having taken coffees for everyone on the way home. 

"Guys! We got coffee!" Eric calls out as Chanhee puts down the eleven coffees on their dining table, before immediately taking one out for himself. He's been craving it the whole time they got their hair done. Sometimes the members joke that Chanhee is becoming addicted, and he would immediately disagrees, but he has to admit that he can't go on a day without at least three or four coffees, which is probably (way) too much. 

Everyone joins them in the kitchen, and quickly picks on their new looks (obviously, it's quite hard to miss it after all). 

Changmin immediately starts ruffling Chanhee's hair and he winces, his scalp still sensitive.

"Sorry." Changmin giggles. "It's really pretty though. Suits you."

Chanhee just says "I know", because well, he does, but Changmin probably knows Chanhee really appreciated the compliment. 

All of the members gawk at their hair for longer than necessary, and Chanhee laughs, shaking his head, starting to feel embarrassed. He tries to tell them to be quiet when his eyes meet Juyeon's gaze.

Juyeon is looking at him, not saying anything, his expression quite unreadable. But as soon as he notices Chanhee looking back, he immediately turns his head. And Chanhee swears he just notices a blush on his ears just now.

Oh. Well. Maybe Juyeon likes his new hair color too. He can't help but feel guiltily pleased by that. He shouldn't, but after some time, he realized that being looked at like that, and just knowing that someone notices and appreciates the most mundane things you do, is quite nice. It's selfish to like that, Juyeon would be better off not loving him at all, but Chanhee can't help it. It's always nice to be appreciated, after all. He supposes that's a normal thing to feel, so he tries not to beat himself over it too much.

Chanhee looks away too, trying to pretend he didn't see anything not to embarrass Juyeon any further. 

"The comeback is really getting closer and closer, huh?" Haknyeon says before slurping the last drop of his coffee loudly.

"Yeah.." Hyunjae answers as they all nod. It's been a few months since they've had a comeback, having it delayed because of Road to Kingdom, so it's something they're really anticipating. And this time they really feel like they're going to do well, all of them, at least they hope. But the fear of being disappointed by the results still linger and cloud their minds, making them nervous.

Upon seeing the suddenly down atmosphere, Eric proposes something. "I know what we need! A party!" 

Sangyeon immediately shakes his head. "This close to the comeback? We can't afford to do that Eric."

"I think Eric's right." Juyeon says, and Chanhee's eyes immediately find him, surprised to hear him finally talk. "I think we're all a bit too stressed, it would be nice to just.. relax." 

Younghoon immediately agrees. And soon after more and more members seem to be into it, until Sangyeon finally gives in.

By party they mean a little one of course, just between the members, but with enough alcohol and loud music to be considered as one. They don't do it that often, with all of them present, but sometimes when they feel that they need it, it just happens. Chanhee doesn't know if that's such a good idea, but seeing them so excited make him agree too. It's been a while since Chanhee has drinken anything, and he has to admit he kind of miss it now that he thinks about it.

That's how they found themselves deviding between teams to prepare for tonight. And of course, after a long rock scissor paper situation, Chanhee is choosen to take care of the food with Juyeon and Kevin. 

The preparation is a little bit silent, with only Kevin throwing some advices and jokes here and then but even him, after some time, decides to stay silent. Chanhee prepares diligently the way too many packs of noodles they've bought. He actually wonders if they're going to eat all of it, but then his worries are dismissed as he reminds himself of just how much they're capable to eat, him included. Even more when they have alcohol to drink.

He tries to focus as much on his task as hand, but can't ignore the eyes he sometimes finds lingering on his back. And he just knows that's they belong to Juyeon. But everytime Chanhee turns around, he quikly acts like nothing happened. Why is he even pretending? Does he think Chanhee is clueless? Plus, Chanhee already knows, and even if it's a bit awkward, he doesn't really mind the staring. Maybe Juyeon thinks he does, and Chanhee won't dare tell him otherwise.

Two hours later, they're all spread out on the floor of their living room, the last Beyonce's album going through the speakers Kevin recently bought (which comes in very handy for such occasions). They've all more or less drinken a decent amount of alcohol. Chanhee is not drunk, but he does feel tipsy, in a good way. And tipsy Chanhee is also a more clingy Chanhee, so he is shamelessly seated in Younghoon's lap, laughing at very drunk Eric and Sunwoo trying to see which one is the most flexible. It's a bit of a hustle, but Eric finally wins, not without ripping his pants though. 

Sunwoo is obviously not happy at such results. "Okay. Now we have to see who can make the better flip." 

"No!" Jacob reacts loudly, as Changmin and Haknyeon are chanting "Do a flip! Do a flip!" behind him.

Fortunately, Jacob convinces them that doing a flip in the living room of an appartement is not the best idea they've had, much to Changmin and Haknyeon's disappointement. 

Younghoon tells Chanhee that he has to go pee, and he whines loudly, too comfortable. But, after Younghoon begs him to please move, he takes pity on him and gets up. He scowls, having lost his affection giver, already scanning the room for another victim. 

Juyeon is already looking at him. Again. This time, Chanhee doesn't let him get away with it, and quickly sits just beside him on the couch. Juyeon doesn't look drunk, Chanhee notices. He suddenly remembers that Juyeon has in fact not really drinken anything tonight, except for maybe a beer.

Chanhee sits close enough for their knees to brush slightly, and he sees Juyeon looking at it for a split second.

"You're not drinking?" Chanhee asks, gestering with his head to the empty glass in his hand.

Juyeon looks like a deer caught in daylight at first, but then he relaxes a bit, his eyes leaving Chanhee to go to his own lap.

"No." He simply answers.

"Why?"

Juyeon shrugs and Chanhee pouts at that. He can't force Juyeon to drink, but he doesn't want him to stop himself from having fun either. 

"You okay?" Chanhee asks, and Juyeon briefely looks back at Chanhee before adverting his eyes again.

"Yeah, you?" 

"Yeah." Chanhee says, and it goes silent between them again.

It should be awkward, and it probably is for Juyeon, but Chanhee feels too good right now for him to really care in that moment, the warmth of the alcohol making him not think about anything.

After some time of just listening to the others sing and talk loudly, Chanhee finally tells Juyeon something that has been on his mind the whole day.

"You can look at me, you know that right?" Chanhee says, and Juyeon quickly lifts his head up, looking confused.

"Yeah?"

"No I mean like.. Really look at me. You can check me out if you want to is what I want to say. I don't mind." Chanhee says, like it's something so easy to bring up, like they're not discussing Juyeon's very personal feelings surrounded by their friends. Juyeon's eyes widden, his face going a bit too red for Chanhee not to notice.

Juyeon doesn't say anything, so Chanhee continues.

"You just seemed to like the new hair, that's all." 

Juyeon groans at that, taking his head between his hands. 

"Stop." Juyeon whispers, and Chanhee frowns.

"Don't be embarrassed." He says, even though that without the alcohol he would probably be in the same state right now.

The words don't seem to help at all as Juyeon just refuse to look at Chanhee, his ears incredibly red. 

"You're blushing." Chanhee says, as a matter of fact, forgetting any brain to mouth filter.

"Chanhee." Juyeon says again, almost in a whine, and Chanhee surprises himself finding that quite cute. 

"Yeah?" He says, playing clueless. Embarrassed Juyeon is cute and he wants to see more of that.

"It's not funny." Juyeon says, his voice a bit mumbled by his position.

"I'm not joking." Chanhee replies.

Juyeon finally looks up. Their eyes meet not for the first time today, but this time, neither of them look away. Juyeon looks a bit tired, his hair down and the makeup a bit smudged under his eyes. But he also looks good, as always. Chanhee knows how hot his members are, and Juyeon is definetely on the top of the list for him. Juyeon is handsome, everyone knows that, it has became a fact at this point. And Chanhee can always appreciate that from time to time, right? 

"You just look good with your new hair." Juyeon finally says after some staring, and Chanhee is surprised by the sudden confession, but gladly so.

"Thank you." Chanhee smiles. Juyeon can't seem to look away.

Silence falls again, and Juyeon seems to think for a while, before he breaks it.

"Can I really just look at you?" Juyeon asks, his voice wavering, disbelief clear in his tone. 

Chanhee just nods.

"As much as you want to." 

Juyeon's breath hitches, but he still won't look away. And Chanhee just stares back, enjoying way too much having Juyeon's attention on him. It's not right, it shouldn't feel so good. But he wants for Juyeon to just keep looking at him like that, making him feel so special. 

"And what if I can never look away?" Juyeon's voice is small, uncertain, and Chanhee barely hears it over the loud chatter. 

"Well, I'm not going anywhere." He whispers back, and Juyeon smiles. A smile that Chanhee has seen on his face only a couple of time. A smile that, in restropect, has always been just for Chanhee to see. 

Juyeon is about to say something else when Younghoon slumps down on Chanhee's lap. 

"My turn." He grins, completely obvious to what they have been talking about.

Chanhee groans loudly, trying very hard to get Younghoon off of him. Obviously, he doesn't even budge and makes himself comfortable, completely ignoring Chanhee's cries of pain.

It's only when Younghoon (finally) move that Chanhee notices Juyeon has left the spot beside him to talk to Sangyeon. He pouts at that, feeling like their earlier conversation wasn't quite finished. 

"Want a drink?" Younghoon offers, and it's enough to distract Chanhee again as he nods eagerly. 

The next morning, Chanhee unfortunately remembers very clearly what happened. Why did he think it was okay to say that to Juyeon? It was probably very embarrassing for him, and Chanhee feels quite bad about that. But then, Juyeon seemed to be glad to hear that in the end. And Chanhee meant it, he still does. He has come to the conclusion after some thinking that the only way for them not to be awkward around eachother anymore is to try to talk about it, the confession, not pretending that nothing happened. But then, it wasn't his choice to make and he imposed it onto Juyeon. In a very open space with their members just right next to them. Ugh. He hopes they'll be okay today, and won't go back to the very awkward stage they've had for the very first days. It's been getting slowly better, he doesn't want to fuck it up already. 

The door creaks open and Chanhee looks up, confused, not really expecting anyone that early. 

"Chanhee? You up?" Changmin's head can be seen in the gap of the door. 

"Yeah." He says, and sits up, looking tiredly at Changmin. Chanhee has never been a morning person. "What time is it?"

"Almost five in the morning." Changmin says as he quietly enters the room, making sure not to wake up Eric sleeping just below Chanhee.

Chanhee hums. At least he has time to lie down for a bit before actually having to prepare for the performance scheduled today, for a show that Chanhee has actually forgotten the name of.

Changmin silently climbs up the ladder and lie down next to him. It's not really surprising for them to do that, Changmin likes to join him when he can't sleep anymore. Chanhee makes a little room for the other, and puts his arm on his waist.

"Not sleepy?" Chanhee asks.

"No." Changmin whispers. "And you? Why are you awake?" 

Chanhee shrugs. "Just thinking about some stuff." He tries to stay vague, even though he knows Changmin would of course pry to know more about it.

"Is it about you and Juyeon?" 

Chanhee is a bit startled to say the least, not expecting that direct of a question. Changmin laughs quietly. 

"We've all noticed something is wrong. Did you two fight?"

Chanhee shakes his head. He has thought about it, telling Changmin, but he can't. It's not his place to and even if it was he doesn't want anyone to know. It's not something he's proud of, and Juyeon probably wants to keep this a secret. He hates lying to Changmin, but he guesses that it's a necessity right now.

"Not really." He settles on. "But we're fine. Don't worry." He adds, probably trying to convince himself too.

Changmin looks sceptical, but doesn't ask any more questions, which Chanhee is grateful for.

They stay there for a while, and apparently fell asleep at some point because they're woken up but Eric's loud vibrating alarm. Chanhee groans, plotting on actually breaking it to maybe have some peace one day. Changmin stirs beside him, obviously not enjoying it either.

"Eric shut your damn alarm off." Chanhee says, grumpy, as always in the morning. 

Eric vaguely answers with a mumble and stops his alarm. Chanhee sighs in content, dragging Changmin close to him, now actually wanting to go back to sleep. 

But of course he can't, because it's now Hyunjae who barges into their room telling them to hurry up and get ready. He is closely followed by a Sunwoo who is way too loud for someone who had that much to drink last night. Youth, Chanhee sighs.

"Where is Changmin? He has my laptop." Sunwoo asks loudly, and at that Changmin giggles, making his attention shifts to Chanhee's bed.

Eric makes a surprised noise. "What are you doing in our room?" 

"Sleeping with Chanhee." Changmin answers, simply, and Chanhee actually cringes at the wording. 

Sunwoo looks at them for a second, seeming to think about what his options are right now, before he grins and runs to their living room, screaming "Guys! Chanhee and Changmin are having sex!" 

"What the hell?" He hears Sangyeon yell, and Chanhee almost lets out the exact same words. Sunwoo, this fucker. He's going to get him, and when he does, it won't be pretty. 

"Kim Sunwoo you're dead to me." Chanhee yells too, suddenly very awake and very ready to fight. And Changmin keeps giggling next to him, probably finding it hilarious. He's next on his list. 

Chanhee gets up quickly and, after some hunting, manages to corner Sunwoo and makes him beg for his life. Satisfied, he decides to let him go, because that's just how generous he can be.

He joins the others in the kitchen while Sunwoo go wash up, sighing at the fact that he had to run around this early in the morning. 

"You got him?" Sangyeon asks.

Chanhee nods, to which Sangyeon only answers with a "Good", Haknyeon chuckling beside him.

Chanhee sits down and tries to reach to the cereal box, feeling actually hungry this morning. When he sees that he's clearly too far, about to ask for help, a hand takes the box and hands it to him. It's only now that he notices Juyeon on the other side of the table, already dressed up, a shy half-smile on his face as he leans toward Chanhee, cereal box in hand. Chanhee takes it, a bit surprised but not without smiling back. Juyeon seems to be at ease with him today, even more than before, which makes Chanhee think that maybe the discussion they had last night was a good idea after all. He has to thank his drunk self for that. 

They're currently waiting for their turn to perform in their assigned room. Chanhee is not feeling that stressed, to be honest. It has become quite of a routine for them to perform after all so it's not that nervewrecking anymore. Fortunately, he thinks, because he still remembers their very first performances where everyone was just very tensed, and even if it's now a good memory, he recalls it not being very pleasant. 

Even though they're not that anxious anymore, they're still diligently preparing their vocals and stretching to be able to pull a performance without any unfortunate incident. They still make mistakes now and then, which is normal, but they want to avoid it as much as they can. They all have embarrassed themselves on stage before and if they can not repeat the experience, it would be very much appreciated. 

Chanhee is getting his makeup fixed while preparing his voice the best he can, not focusing on the background noises of Sunwoo and Changmin fighting over a sandwich or something. Changmin can be pretty scary when he is arguing so Chanhee decides wisely not to interfere, and just continues minding his own business. Things that he does best. 

His attention shifts to Juyeon and Eric stretching in the far back of the room. Juyeon seems to be in a really good mood today, and be much more open and comfortable with Chanhee, which he is so grateful for. He feels like things are going slowly back to normal, and maybe they can be friends that enjoy eachother's company as much as before. He finds his stare lingering a bit too long there, and quickly looks away before Juyeon notices him staring. Okay, maybe not back to normal, Chanhee realizes, but at least they can maybe hang out without it being too awkward. Hopefully. 

The makeup artist tells him that they're finished, and he nods, thanking them quickly before leaving the seat for Hyunjae who also has to do some touch-ups. He looks around, and without thinking his eyes find Juyeon and Eric's corner again. This time, Juyeon is already looking.

There is a weird few seconds, where they're just staring at eachother, neither of them moving or looking away, before Juyeon seems to wake up and signs him to join them. Which Chanhee does immediately, not without feeling a bit nervous, scared of it being awkward again. It shouldn't. Things are starting to be fine between them now, aren't they?

"You should stretch a bit Chanhee." Juyeon says as soon as he gets here, and Chanhee just nods. Stretching is something he unfortunately tends to neglect sometimes, Juyeon is always looking after him to do it properly.

He starts with his wrists and neck, moving them very carefully, while Juyeon is just looking at him. Probably to see if he's stretching the right way, but it still feels.. different. Everytime Juyeon looks at him, he always has that weird feeling of pride mingled with shyness. He knows how Juyeon thinks about him. He wonders even.. of how much he's thinking about him. Is he thinking about Chanhee before going to bed? Does he feel guilty about it? Is he fantasizing about them dating? Or even.. being intimate with eachother? Chanhee suddenly flushes just thinking about this, and even worse doing so just in front of Juyeon. No no, he shouldn't think about that. It's not his business (it kinda is but Chanhee prefers to ignore it at the given moment). 

"Are you okay? Does your neck hurt?" Juyeon must have quickly picked on the visible discomfort. Chanhee just shakes his head.

"No, it's fine." He clears his throat, trying his best to make the thoughts leave his mind. He quickly tries to focus on something else, and notices the way the wires of Juyeon's microphones are tangled in a way they shouldn't. "Wait, your mic looks a bit weird."

Juyeon quickly looks down, and Chanhee doesn't even give him the time to try to fix it before he takes the wires into his hands. 

"Let me help you."

He starts to slowly work on it, wondering how Juyeon could have make it that messy and not even noticing. His fingers brush past his waist to grab the ends of the microphone in his back pocket, and he immediately notices the way Juyeon catches his breath. Oh. 

He tries to tell himself that it's just a coincidence, even though he knows deep down it isn't. He grabs the microphone, untangle the wires and put it back at its place, and Juyeon visibly tenses against him. 

Does he have that much effect on him? Did he react like that everytime Chanhee has touched him, and he just has not really paid attention before? What is going through his mind right now? Chanhee is way more curious than he should be. Maybe more curious than embarrassed by it. Should he be? Is it normal?

He backs away after seconds that seemed way too long. Juyeon looks red, Chanhee notes, and the thought of being the cause of it is a bit overwhelming. 

"Thanks." Juyeon breathes out, and Chanhee nods, not really knowing what to do now, after he (accidentally) made Juyeon blush like that. Well. 

"It's nothing." He answers, and suddenly realizes that Eric is still standing beside them, looking, his face quite unreadable. Chanhee clears his throat. 

"I'll go help Younghoon with.. the vocal thing. Yeah." He says, not knowing why he is even justifying himself, and just leaves them behind, absolutely not looking back. 

The blush on Juyeon's face can't leave his mind. He has never felt that much control over someone in his entire life. Sure, he has people who support him, even fans who were all over the place when he first met them, and it felt nice. Really. But this time.. it's so different. Knowing that he has that much power over Juyeon, his friend, is just.. weirdly gratifying. He doesn't know if it's a good thing or not. To think that he can just make him a flustered mess if he just wants to. But the reasonable part of Chanhee knows that he shouldn't abuse it, no matter how good it can make him feel. It's not fair to Juyeon, Chanhee doesn't like him that way. He's just feeding off his ego and that's just..wrong. But why does it feel like something is pushing him to do all these things, why does he do these without even thinking about it? It feels nice making Juyeon happy, just an instant, even though he knows it's not for the best.

Chanhee is not a selfish person by nature, not at all, but sometimes.. He wants to be. He wants to say fuck it and just takes and takes until he's satisfied. He knows he shouldn't though, so he doesn't, but the thought doesn't leave his mind. 

It's a few days later that Juyeon decides to talk to Chanhee. It's a bit surprising, to say the least. Since the mic incident as Chanhee likes to refer to it, they have not really talked to eachother more than they had to. Chanhee is a bit disappointed in that, he thought that things were going better but apparently he thought wrong. But.. After all, he's not really helping. He's probably the one making it awkward now, always thinking about what's going on in Juyeon's mind every time Chanhee does something, wears something, says something or just looks in his direction. He is paying more attention to every sign Juyeon gives him, every little awkward attention, every look. 

So yeah, things have not been back to normal as Chanhee has wished. And Juyeon asking him to talk privately after their last schedule is a proof of it. Chanhee's mind can't help but go back to the last time Juyeon has asked such thing, and how much of a mess that night was. He nods nonetheless and follows Juyeon to the rooftop of their dorms, usually empty, praying that this time it won't be that bad. It can't be worse, after all. Except if Juyeon asks him to never talk to him again. Oh, he really hopes he doesn't.

They're both standing, looking at eachother in a heavy silence. Juyeon breaks it before Chanhee has to.

"Should we sit?" He asks, and Chanhee answers a barely audible "Yeah" before he sits down in the grass, facing Juyeon. 

"I wanted to talk to you." Juyeon says, as if he didn't already, but Chanhee doesn't comment on it.

"What do you want to talk about?" Chanhee thinks he already knows, there is not really any other thing for them to talk about right now, but he still asks, for good mesure.

"Well.. I just.. You know, at the last party we had?" Juyeon asks, shifting awkwardly in front of him. Chanhee usually likes that sudden shyness of his, but right now he wishes he didn't have to make things that awkward.

"Yeah?" Chanhee says, softly, but urging him to continue.

Juyeon breathes deeply. "I just.. It was the first time we really talked about.. it." It being Juyeon's feelings, Chanhee obviously understands. "And you said.. Some things about not minding me looking at you and it's just.. It's been on my mind and I don't know if you were just drunk or if you really think that I-" 

"No, I really think that. I don't mind at all." Chanhee answers, naturally. He knows by now, after all, that he doesn't mind Juyeon's eyes on him. On the contrary, even. 

Juyeon looks surprised.

"Are you sure? I really don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything.." He stammers a bit, flustered. Chanhee just shakes his head.

"I'm not uncomfortable. Really." He reassures him, and Juyeon seems relieved. 

"But.." Chanhee continues, thinking that he should seize the occasion of them finally talking about the elephant in the room in normal circonstances. "I think.. We should talk, about all of this. I don't like us being awkward with eachother it's just.. I can't anymore. We have to sort it out. Talk it out, honestly, no lie, okay?" He says, firm, and Juyeon visibly pales. 

He knows it could be a lot for him to impose talking about his feelings like that, but he really thinks that it's the only way for them to at least maintain a normal friendship, not filled with stolen stares and only a few words exchanged.

"I think you're right.." Juyeon says, despite not looking that comfortable. He steals a look at Chanhee, on the edge, expecting, but Chanhee doesn't say anything.

Okay, he knows he wants to talk about Juyeon's feelings, but he doesn't really how to start such conversation. Don't blame him. 

He clears his throat.

"Well.. Um.." He tries to think about something and says the first thing that comes to mind. "When did you start loving me?" 

He immediately internally cringes at that, that was way too bold and way too personal. Juyeon looks flustered by the question, too.

"You don't have to answer, I'm sorry it just slipped out.." Chanhee embarrassingly adds, but Juyeon shakes his head.

"It's okay.. I just.." He breathes deeply, playing with his fingers as he stares at his lap. "Maybe around a year ago?" 

A year? Chanhee gasps without meaning to. A year is a long time to love someone without them knowing. And Chanhee literally didn't have a clue. He has never felt more stupid than right now.

"Wow.." He just says, and Juyeon chuckles. 

"Yeah.." 

Silence falls again, but this time it's Juyeon who decides to break it first.

"What did you think when I confessed to you?" He asks, and Chanhee bites his lip nervously, recalling things that he wishes to forget. It was just a very hard time for him, but he believes it was even harder on Juyeon, making it absolutely worse overall.

"I felt so.. Sorry. And worried." Chanhee confesses, looking at Juyeon who is finally locking eyes with him. 

This feels intimate, more than they have ever been. Well, they're discussing very personal feelings so of course it would feel that way, but still. Chanhee feels like he could tell Juyeon everything and anything, pour all of the thoughts and worries he has been pilling up the last few days without any consequence. 

"I thought.. I thought I lost you. Like forever. I was so scared and so sorry for hurting you and I just.." Chanhee closes his eyes, trying to calm himself down and not cry again. He really doesn't want to go down that road tonight.

"It's okay." Juyeon says, softly, and Chanhee knows it wasn't, and it probably isn't now, but he tries to believe it, for his sake. "We're friends, okay? I won't leave you."

Chanhee nods quickly, because now he knows that he wouldn't. Juyeon is too nice, too pure for that. Chanhee could break him and he would still stay by his side. 

"I know." Chanhee almost whispers, and when he opens his eyes again, he sees Juyeon still looking at him, a small but warm smile on his face. 

"It's fine, okay?" Juyeon reassures him, and pats his knee softly.

"We said no lie, Juyeon." Chanhee says before he can help it, and Juyeon's smile drops a bit, but doesn't leave his face.

"You're right. Sorry."

"Don't be." 

Juyeon's hand tries to leave his knee, but Chanhee grabs it before he can. 

"Did you hate me?" Chanhee asks, prying. "When I rejected you." 

Juyeon's eyes widden at the question, looking startled. It's something Chanhee has been wondering for a while, and he knows the answer can hurt him, still, he can't help but ask.

"No." Juyeon almost immediately answers. "I.. I was a bit upset, the day after, when you avoided me.." Juyeon admits, and Chanhee's stomach squeezes at the thought. He really fucked up that day. "But I never hated you. I was just.. sad. I guess. " He chuckles awkwardly. "I cried in front of Eric that night so yeah, that was really embarrassing."

Chanhee tries to ignore the way his heart aches thinking about Juyeon crying again, and offers him a half-smile. "I'm glad he was there for you." He says, genuinely, because he doesn't know how he would have dealt with it if he knew Juyeon was crying himself to sleep all alone.

"He was.. A great help. Yeah. But I didn't tell him about it, if you're wondering." Juyeon says urgely.

"I know you didn't." Chanhee says, because he knows Juyeon. 

"Good. I really wouldn't." Juyeon nods, and doesn't even ask if Chanhee has talked about it himself. He probably also knows. It's a thing between them, Chanhee would feel weird talking about it with someone else, no matter how close he is to them. 

"And do you regret it? Confessing to me." Chanhee asks, and Juyeon seems to think about it this time.

"I.. Sometimes." He breathes out, and Chanhee squeezes his hand gently. "It's just.. making me feel bad and guilty, seeing how awkward we've become because of me." Chanhee is about to protest but Juyeon continues. "No, really. I know. But it's too late now so.." He gestures vaguely, and Chanhee doesn't really now what it means but still kinda gets it anyway.

"Then let's try not to be awkward anymore, okay?" Chanhee says, even though he knows it's not that easy. But they can do it, he believes. They're friends before everything, after all. 

Juyeon chuckles. "Okay. We can try." 

"Of course." Chanhee affirms, determination clear in his voice. "No awkwardness allowed from now on."

"Deal." Juyeon smiles, bigger than before, and Chanhee is glad to be able to make him smile again like that. "But you know.. I think in the end I'm still glad I told you. It's.. It felt overwhelming and just you knowing.. Even though it's awkward.. I think it was for the best."

Chanhee is about to reply when a voice is heard from the inside, yelling at them that dinner is ready. Chanhee feels like he has so much more to ask and talk about, so many things are still unclear but.. it will have to do for now. He's still incredibly relieved to have talked it out with Juyeon, and he truly thinks that this time things are going to go for the better. 

"Let's go then." Chanhee says as he sits up, still holding Juyeon's hand firmly. The other only nods, smiling, and follows Chanhee inside. Just before they join the living room, Juyeon squeezes Chanhee's hand, and pulls him a bit toward him, preventing him from going any further. Chanhee looks back at Juyeon, confused. 

"I just.. wanted to say thank you. For trying. You don't have to but.. you still do so, yeah. Thank you." Juyeon whispers, as the chatters from the others can be heard in the distance. 

"That what friends do, right?" Chanhee says, smiling warmly. Juyeon bites his lip nervously and just nods. 

Chanhee would never let himself lose Juyeon, or any of the member. It's just unthinkable. He cares about his members way too much, so he will deal with everything and anything just for them to stay by his side. Plus, Juyeon loving him is not that bad for him after all. Sure it feels weird sometimes, but not bothersome in any way. Juyeon is probably the one suffering from the situation more, and if Chanhee can make it easier for him, then he will do it. It's as simple as that.

They look at eachother for a second, and Juyeon is the one to say a quiet "let's go" this time. They walk to the room and as soon as they're about to enter, their hands mutually let go of the other. Is this what friends do? Chanhee wonders, but quickly brushes it off when he notices the moutain of take-out pilled on the table.

Nonetheless, the food isn't enough for Chanhee not to notice the embarrassingly hopeful looks everyone are sending their way. They're probably thinking Juyeon and Chanhee have finally made up, which in a way they did, but it's not exactly about what they're imagining. Chanhee can feel Juyeon tense beside him. 

"You could have waited for us!" Chanhee says, looking fake upset, hoping that it will be enough to disolve whatever tension is going on.

It works, and Juyeon immediately seems to be more at ease as everyone go back to chatting like they were just before. They sit down and start to eat, and Chanhee finds Changmin's eyes on him, questionning. He immediately understands and just nods. Everything is fine with Juyeon now. It should be.

Things are better with Juyeon, like, by far. In fact, they're now able to do things, just the two of them and not die of embarrassment, so it's definetely a progress. Chanhee even thinks that they might have become closer than they were before the whole confession thing. But he's not sure. They seem to be more honest with eachother now, but there are still moments where Chanhee just.. thinks. Even though it's not awkward anymore, he doesn't forget about Juyeon's feelings. His mind still goes to the wonders he had before, about what Juyeon thinks of him as, or Juyeon's reaction everytime he brushes past time or puts his hand on his shoulder. It's everywhere, and he pretends he doesn't notice or even care, but he does. So.. It's not really back to normal, but it's good like this. Different, but still good. 

They're currently in the middle of a movie night, all pilled together on their sofa, some on the floor. Chanhee is (luckily) sitted very confortably on the right corner of the sofa, Juyeon sitting just beside him. They are becoming quite unseparable these days, and everyone has noticed, but they all seem pretty happy about it, at least they're friendly with eachother again. Chanhee is happy about it too. Juyeon is very invested in the movie right now, and he finds it quite cute to be honest. He also pretends not to notice the way Juyeon tears up at some scenes. He just puts his hand on his forearm and squeezes it gently at a particularly sad scene, leaving it there for the rest of the movie, Juyeon apparently not minding (of course he doesn't). 

The movie ends, Juyeon still glued to Chanhee's side. Sunwoo gets up and turns the light on.

"We're not going to watch the second one?" Juyeon asks. Ah yes, Chanhee remembers, the movie they're watching has a sequel. 

"Uh, without me then I'm tired." Changmin yawns, and the rest of them quickly agree. Juyeon slightly pouts at that, not very noticeable but Chanhee can see it clearly.

"We can watch it next time." Sangyeon says, smiling as he gathers the blankets, and Juyeon nods, still looking a bit disappointed. 

Chanhee immediately has an idea. He whispers, only for Juyeon to hear.

"You want to watch it now together?" 

Juyeon is a bit startled by the sudden whisper coming from his side, but a small smile quickly appears on his face.

"You want to?" He asks.

"Yeah. Of course. It was good." 

Juyeon nods eagerly and Chanhee smiles back at him. Chanhee actually enjoyed the movie so he doesn't mind watching the follow up now, even though he is a bit tired. Just seeing how excited Juyeon looks right now is enough. 

Watching it in the living room is probably a bad idea as it would bother the room just beside it, so they should definetly watch it in one of their room. Chanhee quickly does the math in his head, and calls out Eric's name. Eric turns around. 

"Do you mind sleeping with Younghoon tonight? Juyeon and I are going to watch the second movie right now, I don't want to bother you." He says, and Eric naturally nods. 

"Sure." 

So that's settled then. 

They quickly find themselves tucked in Eric's bed, squeezed together, their thighs brushing against the other's and the laptop resting on both of their laps as the movie starts. Chanhee feels a bit nervous, suddenly. They've spent time just the two of them before but never like that, in one of their bed, in the middle of the night. But he tells himself that he has no reason to feel nervous, it's fine, it's a normal thing to do between friends. He tries to shut down the thoughts that maybe Juyeon is not thinking the same right now, and focuses hard on the movie, ignoring the bothering touch of Juyeon's knee pressing a bit against his. 

"Do you think he's going to die?" Juyeon asks, referring to one of the main character, pulling Chanhee's away from his thoughs.

"Him? No.. I hope not." 

Juyeon nods.

"They can't kill him off, he's too important." Juyeon says, and then points to another character. "But her on the other end.. She could die."

"But then she can't testify against the other guy? I forgot his name." Chanhee says, getting back into the movie.

"Trevor? No.. You're right. But maybe they'll do that to complicate things up.. Wait. Should we bet on it?" Juyeon says, a sudden playful smile on the corner of his lip. Chanhee scoffs, smiling nonetheless. Juyeon can be really childish when he wants to. 

"Bet what?" 

"I don't know.. The one who wins can ask the other anything?" Juyeon says. Chanhee bites his lip, thinking. It's a bit risky, truthfully, but he knows Juyeon wouldn't ask something too bothersome, so he can be safe. But if he wins on the other hand.. This could be fun. 

"Deal. I bet she's not going to die."

"Okay. We'll see about that." 

After that, Chanhee pays more attention to the movie than he planned to, and it turns on really fun. He's glad Eric is not in the room with them right now because they're being really loud laughing, maybe even bothering the ones in the rooms next to them but oh well. And, in the end, the girl doesn't die, which makes Chanhee laughs even harder, Juyeon looing shocked and betrayed in front of the credits roll. 

"I was sure she was going to die!" He protests and Chanhee keeps laughing, enjoying this way too much.

"Well she didn't! Too bad for you." Chanhee teases him. He's really a sour loser, so winning feels really good, just for the sake of it. But knowing that he can ask anything from Juyeon.. is also intersting.

"What do you want to ask me then?" Juyeon says, sighing exaggeratedly, obviously not that upset about losing. 

"Um.." Chanhee thinks for a bit, but he feels like it's not a chance to be wasted. "You know what, I'll think about it and then come ask you when I find something good." 

Juyeon's eyes squint a bit. "You know you're terrifying, right?" 

Chanhee chuckles. "And you've seen nothing of me yet." He continues to tease, his face coming a bit closer to Juyeon's, as he smirks. He sees the way Juyeon's eyes dart between his eyes and his lips for a second. Chanhee's breath hitches. Maybe coming close to him wasn't a good idea.

"No, I didn't." Juyeon says lowly, and the way his voice sounds actually makes Chanhee surpress a shudder. 

Chanhee doesn't love Juyeon, he's sure of it, but he's still a very gay man and Juyeon is still a very attractive man, so yeah.. putting that together is not a good idea. He should back down, but he doesn't for a reason that seems to surpass Chanhee's knowledge. He just looks at Juyeon, at how his eyes look up close, at how his eyes shine when he is looking at Chanhee. 

"Chanhee?" Juyeon says, his voice sounding a bit confused and breathy, and it what's make him apparently wakes up and realizes how weird he is acting. He immediately moves back, getting away from Juyeon's face, sudden embarrassement washing over him.

"Sorry." He says, because that's all he can do right now. 

"It's fine." Juyeon says, shaking his head, but Chanhee knows that he just made it awkward. He curses himself in his head. Why couldn't he look away? Not minding Juyeon's eyes on him is one thing, but actually leading him on is another totally. He can't love him back, so he shouldn't do that, he tries to carve that onto his brain.

There is a floating silence for a few seconds, before Chanhee decides to cut it out before it gets just too awkward for the both of them.

"Actually, you know what, I'm feeling generous so I'm letting you ask me something too." Chanhee says, and Juyeon raises an eyebrow at that.

"You're sure?" He says, and Chanhee nods.

"Yeah, why not. Didn't we say we have to be transparent with eachother now anyway?" He smiles, and Juyeon can only nod, seemingly deep in thoughts.

"But I don't want to make this.. awkward." Juyeon says, obviously having something on his mind, and Chanhee is starting to get curious despite the anxiousness rising in his stomach.

"It's already awkward anyway." Chanhee laughs, and it has the merit to make Juyeon chuckles a bit.

"Okay." Juyeon says, and bites his lip. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to.."

"Well, I kind have to if it's a dare no?" Chanhee says, light-hearted, trying to calm his nerves and Juyeon shakes his head.

"Still."

Chanhee nods. "Okay."

Juyeon pauses for a few seconds. 

"Are you in love with Changmin?" He lets out quickly.

"What?" Chanhee immediately answers, probably feeling almost as shocked as he did when Juyeon first confessed to him. But this time, he's quick to answer. "No!" 

Juyeon looks surprised, and Chanhee doesn't really understand what part of his answer is surprising.

"Really?" He asks, and Chanhee nods quickly.

"Really. It's.. He's my friend, that would be weird." Chanhee cringes at the thought of him being in love with Changmin. It's just.. weird, that's the only way to put it. "Why did you think that?" Chanhee asks, and Juyeon shrugs.

"I don't know.. You seem close and.. Maybe what Sunwoo says about you two sleeping together stuck with me." He laughs awkwardly.

"Why are you even listening to Sunwoo in the first place?" Chanhee rolls his eyes, and Juyeon chuckles. "I'm not, I can assure you." Chanhee insists.

He doesn't know what he wants to reassure Juyeon that he does not in fact love Changmin that much. Maybe because he feels like it would hurt him more to think that, or maybe.. Well, he doesn't really quite understand, but the idea of Juyeon thinking he loves someone doesn't sit well with him.

"Okay." Juyeon says, but he doesn't look as relieved as Chanhee thought it would be.. On the contrary. 

"Juyeon?" Chanhee says softly, putting his hand delicately on his knee. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He nods, and Chanhee frowns.

"We said we can tell eachother everything now." Chanhee reminds him, and Juyeon bites his lip.

"I'm just wondering then.. Why.. Nevermind. It's stupid." Juyeon starts but then shakes his head. Chanhee tightens his grip.

"No, it's not. You can ask." He tries to reassure him the best he can.

"Why don't you like me then?" Juyeon blurts, and immediately shakes his head again. "It's stupid and really pretentious I'm sorry, you're not obligated to like me it's just.. Ugh, forget about it. Sorry." He rambles.

Chanhee is surprised by Juyeon's question, not really expecting that type of question and not knowing how to answer him. Why can't he love Juyeon? It would be easier then. Juyeon is kind, funny, attractive as hell and everything Chanhee loves in a friend. So why can't they be more? Chanhee knows he.. doesn't do love. At least he hasn't yet, and he feels like he doesn't know how to.

"I've never liked someone before." Chanhee admits, thinking that he might as well be sincere before making Juyeon believe that him not returning his feelings has something to do with him. "Like.. I don't know if I can.. feel things like that." He says.

"You.. Never?" Juyeon asks, surprise evident in his voice, and Chanhee realizes that he's the first person he has actually opened up about it.

"Yeah." He shrugs, trying to act nonchalant but he knows Juyeon can see clearly past him right now. "And I can't.. I can't just start dating someone when I don't feel anything for them. And I don't think I can.. Sorry." 

"Don't apologize." Juyeon says, and Chanhee feels so guilty. He really wishes he could like him back, and give him everything he deserves. But he's so scared to even try, he's so scared to hurt himself or worse, hurt Juyeon. 

"I have a question too." Chanhee starts. 

Juyeon nods.

"How does it feel? To be in love?" It's something that's been on his mind for a long time, but it was never the right time to ask. He thinks he knows how it should feel like, he's not uneducated about the subject and has read enough romantic novels to know what love is, but.. He wonders how it is for Juyeon, to be honest. Can it be different? 

"Oh." Juyeon says, and sits a bit straighter. "It's.. It's difficult to describe. I think? It's probably different for everyone but.. You just feel pulled towards that person. You want to be with them all the time, to t-touch them, and everything. I guess. And.. It just feels overwhelming everytime I look at y-.. that person, you know, heart beating fast, sweaty hands. And I feel this strange good feeling everytime they compliment me, or just talk to me and I just want to.. be there, for them, and stay with them." Juyeon blurts out difficultely, obviously trying to make it not sound like a direct confession even though it has the same effect as if it was. "You know you feel a lot for someone, and love just sounds like the right word to call it." He finishes, and Chanhee hums, trying not to show how affected he is by it. He knows Juyeon loves him, but him actually saying all of these things.. It's different. It makes him feel weird too.

"I see." Chanhee says, and he feels his mind running a mile a hour. He is pretty sure he doesn't feel these things for Juyeon but this.. does sound nice. Feeling like that. "But it hurts too, doesn't it?" 

"Yes." Juyeon admits, and his smile looks bitter. "Sometimes." 

Chanhee nods, and even after hearing it, he still feels a bit jealous. He does feel things, but he wishes he could be able to feel the same things Juyeon is telling him. Maybe one day, maybe with the right person, but how would be know? He always imagined he would love that special someone almost immediately, or at least know that he would, but what if it's not like that? What if everything he imagined in his head is just preventing him from going any further with anyone? What if love just feels different for him? 

"Chanhee, you're thinking too much right now, aren't you?" Juyeon asks, and Chanhee chuckles. It's not a secret that he tends to overthink a lot, to the point he would like for his brain to just shut up. "Love is not something you really think about, it's something you feel." 

Chanhee nods, but he feels like he doesn't really know what's truly the difference. He only has ever let his brain do the work, rarely abandonning himself to how things felt except.. except just now, with Juyeon, when he looked at him and didn't want to back away. 

Oh.

"I think I should go to sleep." Chanhee abruptly says, and Juyeon nods, understanding, bless his soul. 

"Okay." Juyeon only nods. Chanhee climbs up to his bed, not saying anything more, as Juyeon turns the lights off and slip under Eric's blanket. They make themselves comfortable, shifting a few times before the silence overtakes the room.

"Good night Chanhee." Juyeon says softly.

Chanhee smiles without even thinking. 

"Good night Juyeon." 

A few days pass by, and Chanhee has been thinking a lot about Juyeon has told him. Should he? Just let himself go to the feeling and stop overthinking everything he feels, or everthing Juyeon might feel? Maybe that's his problem, rationalising everything, trying to make everything just.. make sense. Sometimes it doesn't, and it's okay. Sometimes you just have to shut your brain off and let everything else talk. 

And it's with that in mind that Chanhee decides to text Juyeon that night. He's in his bed, bored, and unable to sleep. He finds himself wondering if Juyeon is asleep right now or not. Should he text him? Talking could occupy him for a while. He sends a simple "You're awake?", and just a minute after receives the confirmation that Juyeon is indeed not sleeping yet. 

Chanhee  
what are u doing rn?

Juyeon  
Just on my phone and you?

Chanhee  
same

Chanhee sighs. He wants to talk to him but nothing comes up to mind right now, and he's not very good at small talk.

Juyeon  
Want to talk a bit?

Chanhee smiles a bit at the message. Juyeon knows him way too well, he thinks. 

Chanhee  
yeah :( pls

Juyeon  
Do you know that Younghoon watches compilations of himself on youtube every night before going to sleep?

Chanhee chuckles at the message. Okay, that's a very Younghoon thing to do.

Chanhee  
really??  
lmao  
i mean  
we all have done this once or twice...

Juyeon  
Guilty  
But I like watching fancams more  
Compilations are a bit awkward

Chanhee kind of agrees with him on that. Performing is different, they have to monitor themselves, but Chanhee sometimes finds it weird to see himself talk to the camera. Even if it's better now, of course, they're as a whole more used to it, but it still can be embarrassing. 

Chanhee  
me too  
your fancams r always good anyway

Juyeon  
Thank you  
Didn't know you watched my fancams

Chanhee curses himself. Is it weird to watch your teammate's fancams? Well, he has watched all of the member's fancams at least once, but he has to admit he likes watching Juyeon's ones the most. Juyeon has an amazing stage presence, it's not a secret, and he always feels like he could learn something from him. Plus, they're just really entertaining, okay. Does he really have to justify himself? It's innocent, right?

Chanhee  
haha  
yeah well  
im coming for the center position  
watch out

Chanhee thinks he brushed it off pretty smoothly, patting himself on the back mentally.

Juyeon  
You'll be a great center  
Pretty and all

Where is it coming from? Since when has Juyeon become this straight forward? Chanhee asks himself, pretty surprised. Other members call him pretty too, but he feels a bit.. weird. Flustered, even. This coming from Juyeon feels different. His phone vibrates again.

Juyeon  
I'm sorry that was weird

Chanhee  
no it wasn't!!  
thank you  
you're pretty too

He writes the last message before he can stop himself and internally cringes at that. But what was he supposed to do? Isn't what you do, compliment your friends back? The answer takes a bit longer to come, which makes Chanhee start to feel anxious. Did he embarrass Juyeon? Oh no, he didn't, did he? He immediately stops overthinking when the response comes (he in fact didn't take that long to answer, but Chanhee felt like it took forever).

Juyeon  
Thank you ^-^ 

Cute, Chanhee thinks. 

Juyeon  
I watch your fancams too  
Sometimes

Chanhee's heart leaps a bit reading that message, but he doesn't really know why.

Chanhee  
oh really? haha

The thought of Juyeon being tucked in his bed and watching videos of Chanhee before sleeping make him feel.. something, he guesses. He knows Juyeon must think about him, and he has for some time wondered what Juyeon might think about. He's curious. It's like when someone tells you they dreamed of you, you can't stop yourself but ask what happened in it. And he wants to ask. So bad. 

Chanhee  
you know  
i think i know what i want to ask you  
for the dare 

Chanhee types it, heart beating fast but not going back and sending it immediately. What the fuck is he doing? But he can't stop, he just wants to know. He wants to imagine too.

Juyeon  
Oh yeah?  
What is it 

Okay, there is no going around the bush here. 

Chanhee  
do you ever think about me  
like  
idk before going to sleep

That was worded very terribly, Chanhee realizes, and he doesn't even know if Juyeon will even figure out what he's trying to ask. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't, though. 

This time, Juyeon takes objectively more time to answer, and Chanhee tries not to die from apprehension. But the message still comes. Chanhee opens it with shaky hands. 

Juyeon  
I do 

Chanhee knows that, it's obvious and Juyeon probably thinks so too, but he weirdly didn't think Juyeon would admit it that bluntly. 

Chanhee  
and what do you think about

He tries not to throw his phone across the room from the embarrassement. But.. there is a weird thrilling feeling there, and he can't ignore it. He can't stop.

Juyeon  
What do you mean?..

Chanhee  
like  
do you imagine us  
together?

He thinks he has never been this bold before, and he doesn't know if he will be able to take responsability later on. 

Juyeon  
Uh  
Yeah 

Chanhee  
and what are we doing together?

Juyeon  
Chanhee..

Chanhee knows he should stop right now, that's not right, that's not fair, for either of them. But he doesn't. 

Chanhee  
please  
tell me

Juyeon  
We hold hands  
And kiss  
I guess

This is weird, Chanhee thinks. It feels surreal, and like everything said here just will have no consequences. He's not thinking straight, only (selfishly, he tells himself) taking what he wants to take. And reading the messages makes his head spin.

Chanhee  
is that all? 

Juyeon  
No  
You know there's more

Chanhee  
yeah

Juyeon  
What are you doing Chanhee?

He bites his lip, he doesn't know either.

Chanhee  
i don't know  
i just  
i want to know

Juyeon  
Well  
We kiss on the sofa when all of our members are asleep

Chanhee  
yeah? no one finds us? 

Juyeon  
No  
You're afraid they might, but I tell you that it's fine  
You relax and then you would continue kissing me

Chanhee feels his skin strating to warm up, and his throat going dry. 

Juyeon  
We would makeout and  
Chanhee? Do you want me to continue?

He doesn't even really think about it before replying.

Chanhee  
please

Juyeon  
You would put your hand on my leg  
And then higher  
You would tease me so bad, but still acting so innocent, like you do sometimes  
I would be squriming in my seat and you would laugh at me  
And then you would put your hand inside my pant  
And you know 

Chanhee feels like he can't breath right now. He can't believe he's starting to feel aroused, and finally understand what the misplaced curiousity was really about. God, he just wanted to hear Juyeon tells him that he turns him on. That he wants to do things to him. This is bad, really bad. 

Chanhee  
oh

Juyeon  
I feel like I should stop here

Chanhee  
yeah  
but thank you  
i'm sorry

Juyeon  
Don't  
It's just a bit embarrassing

Chanhee  
it's not  
i asked for it  
i liked it 

Chanhee can't stop himself from adding the last message, because he did like it. More than he should. 

Juyeon  
You did?

Chanhee  
yeah

Juyeon  
Oh 

Chanhee wants to scream, wants to run to Juyeon's room and just.. do whatever he wants to do right now. But he doesn't. It's not right, he shouldn't act on impulse just because he's horny and Juyeon is attractive. But is that all there is to it? 

Juyeon  
I think we should go to sleep Chanhee

Chanhee agrees on that. If they continue, they're going to do things they regret.

Chanhee  
you're right  
good night juyeon

Juyeon  
Good night 

Chanhee touches himself to the thought of Juyeon that night, and tries really hard to ignore the guilt that settles in the moment he finishes. 

They don't speak about it when they see eachother the next day. It's not that awkward, either, as they apparently have both decided to just brush it to the side and forget about it (or at least act like it, because in reality it doesn't leave Chanhee's mind). They're acting like they usually do, except that Chanhee still notices the way Juyeon's cheeks are tinted a light pink everytime their eyes meet. He doesn't mind. 

Either way, they have to stay focused today because they're actually going to start the filming of the teaser videos. Chanhee is tired just thinking about it, but also excited, as he thinks it could turn out pretty good based on the ideas they were given. So it's better if he tries not to think about Juyeon at all today, especially about the growing attraction he feels towards him. He'll have to deal with it after, but not today, he decides. And Juyeon doesn't seem to be set on confronting him so that's a relief. 

It's still dawn when they arrive at the filming studio, all pretty tired but not really looking like it. They're used to waking up way too early after all. As soon as they set foot into the buidling, they're immediately rushed into getting their makeup done. At least it's not very tiring, they can maybe get a few more minutes of sleep if they're lucky. Which Chanhee does when the makeup artist is finished: he sits on one of the (not very comfortable) sofas and waits for the rest of the members who are now getting their makeup done. 

He actually thinks he maybe slept for a few minutes before he feels a weight beside him. He recognizes who it is just by the smell of his perfurme. Is he here to talk? He wonders, but then quickly realizes it would be absurd for him to want to talk about it here, out of all places. He opens his eyes lazily and finds Juyeon's eyes on him. 

"Yeah?" Chanhee speaks, teasing, and Juyeon quickly looks away immediately. He doesn't know how obvious he can be, Chanhee thinks. 

"Nothing." He answers, and Chanhee just nods.

Juyeon's make-up is done too, beautifully if he is being honest. It's really amazing how their make-up artists are able to bring out his features like that. Juyeon is handsome with make-up, but with it he could look intimidating. But he still acts shy and embarrassed around him, and Chanhee prides himself in knowing he is the cause of it. 

Silence falls between them but it's not uncomfortable. They're close, Chanhee notices. And Juyeon's shoulder looks really good to sleep on right now. His body speaks before he can even think and he puts his head on his shoulder, softly. He feels Juyeon tense up for a second before relaxing. Chanhee closes his eyes again, yawning. 

"Comfy." He mumbles, and he hears (and feels) Juyeon's low chuckle. 

"Tired?" Juyeon's asks, almost whispering (making it probably more intimate than it should), and Chanhee hums.

"A little." 

Chanhee feels like they both know why he is tired, the events of last night rushing in, and the unspoken tension makes his skin itch. 

"You can sleep now."

And Chanhee tries to, but he can't shut his mind off when he is that close to Juyeon. Since when has he been so bothered being close to him? Well, since when has he started touching himself to the thought of his friend? He tries to suppress a shudder. Don't think about it, he repeats himself, focus on something else, not on Juyeon's parfum or the calm and steady way he breathes, obviously trying so hard not to move. 

Chanhee is not dense, he knows now that he is attracted to Juyeon, but he doesn't know if it's just that: attraction. And Juyeon loves him, but Chanhee doesn't think he does. Not yet. But will he ever? Can he? That's so uncertain, not even a promise, and so futile for him to risk their entire friendship on. It's one thing to cut off someone because you don't love them back, and it's another to lead them on and then leave. It's not something he can do, to anyone, and least of all to Juyeon. But.. The way his stomach squeezes just by being near Juyeon makes him want to stay there forever. To stop thinking, and just let his body do whatever it urges him to do. There's no good answer, or good way to approach it. No matter how much he thinks about it, it doesn't feel like this is something he can solve. But he must do it: everything has an answer, everything must be in control and he can't let it go to shit for selfish reasons. He can't. He can't. 

"Chanhee? We're starting in five minutes." Juyeon's soft voice reaches his ears. 

Chanhee blinks his eyes open, realizing he was starting to lose himself this time around too. His mind running a mile hour, making it impossible for him to even think straight anymore. He breathes in, breathes out, and nods, trying his best to calm the thoughts that still seem to be screaming at him at the back of his mind. 

"Yeah, okay."

Juyeon frowns a bit at Chanhee's reaction, probably able to read him like an open book at this point.

"You were doing that thing again, don't you?" Juyeon asks quietly. 

"What thing?" 

"When you're thinking too much." Juyeon explains.

Chanhee should be surprised to see how easy it is for Juyeon to figure out what goes on in his mind, but he's not really. He just bites his lip nervously, and shrugs. Juyeon smiles softly, despite looking a bit worried.

"Let's focus on filming right now okay?." 

Chanhee nods.

"Look at me." Juyeon continues, and Chanhee obeys without even thinking about it twice. 

Chanhee stares at Juyeon's face, taking every information there is before him and nothing more. Focusing on the way his eyes are enhanced by the eyeliner, how his nose compliments and structures his face, and how his lips turn a bit upward on the corners. He's here, Juyeon is right in front of him. Chanhee is sitting just before him. Everything can be reach. Everything is here.

"You're okay?" Juyeon asks.

"Yeah." He lets out in a breath. "I think I'm better. Thank you." He admits, because the voice in his head seems to be shutting up for now. 

Juyeon just smiles. And Chanhee realizes how grateful he is to have him in his life.

It's not a date, Chanhee tells himself. Juyeon and him are going to eat take-out, just the both of them, at night, by the lake near their dorms, but it's not a date. Not at all. He doesn't even know how he found himself in this situation. It happened way too fast: the members deciding to go out to eat when Chanhee and Juyeon were still practicing at the agency, them not seeing the message asking if they wanted to come, and thus deciding to do their own little escapade on their own. It seemed like a good idea at first, but right now, with the faint sound of the music from his phone and the reflection of the moon on the water, Chanhee starts to think it might be too romantic. But it's still not a date. 

"You should try these ones, they're good." Juyeon tells him, gesturing to one of the many chicken boxes (they probably ordered too much). 

"Sure." Chanhee tastes it and it is indeed amazing. He hums in satisfaction.

"I love being here at night." Juyeon says, and Chanhee have to agree with him on that one.

They've found this lake pretty early when they moved into their current dorms, and they have made a habit of going there when they can. Not a lot of people are there everytime they go despite how beautiful the view, so it's convenient for them. Plus, with how late it is, there are actually no one despite Chanhee and Juyeon here. 

"You come here to write lyrics sometimes don't you?" Juyeon asks him, and Chanhee nods with a smile, he didn't know Juyeon actually noticed. 

He loves writing, he doesn't know if any of the songs he has made will ever be released (he hopes so) but at least it sometimes can get his mind of things. And he does know how much he needs that.

"Yeah. It's quieter than the dorms." 

Juyeon chuckles. They both know how loud they can be, it's a literal nightmare to get any work done in there.

"You want to read it one of these days?" Chanhee proposes, and he doesn't know why he suddenly wants Juyeon to read whant he writes because, well, that's embarrassing but he suddenly have that thought cross his mind. And as soon as it leaves his mouth, he actually doesn't regret it. He wants Juyeon to read one of these songs, out of all members. Is it weird?

Juyeon looks at him, surprise clear on his face and Chanhee blushes despite himself.

"You don't have if you don't want to, it's not that good anyway.." Chanhee mumbles but Juyeon cuts him right away.

"No I would love to! Really." Juyeon says, smile bigger than usually, and Chanhee believes him. 

"Okay." He whispers, cheeks still pink. "I'll show you."

They finish eating, talking about everything and nothing: from how hard and exhausting their new choreo is to Sunwoo still stealing every piece of clothing he finds (Chanhee can't find the new shirt he bought a month ago and he has an idea of where it might be). It feels nice, and Chanhee surprises himself by how much he's letting himself go to the moment, not hanged up on the worries he had a few moments ago. It's great to feel his mind closing off, just focusing on what is going at the given moment. It's a change Chanhee actually treasures. 

They lie down after they've eaten everything (and Chanhee doesn't even know how they managed to do that). The moon and stars are pretty tonight, Chanhee finds himself thinking despite how cliche it is. 

"The members are probably back." Juyeon says, but not making intention of moving any time soon.

"Yeah." Chanhee simply replies. Neither of them want to go home yet. Just a little bit longer, Chanhee thinks. 

Chanhee turns his attention away from the stars to look at Juyeon. The natural light compliments his face lightly, making his profile stands out even more, and his eyes are reflecting the moon almost as much as the water beside them. Juyeon probably senses Chanhee's gaze on him because he turns his face to look at him. They're a bit closer than Chanhee thought. 

"Yeah?" Juyeon says, something close to teasing in his voice and Chanhee takes a few seconds to realize that he's just mimicking what he did the other day. He giggles. 

"Stop." 

Juyeon smiles, his eyes still on Chanhee, neither of them looking away. 

"Can I tell you something?" Juyeon asks, his voice quieter than before. 

Chanhee nods.

"You're really pretty tonight." Juyeon says. "I'm sorry, I've just been thinking about this since the moment I brought you here and I needed to say it." He continues, but not looking that ashamed.

Chanhee doesn't know why his stomach squeezes, or why his hands start shaking a bit as soon as the words leave Juyeon's mouth. He knows he is pretty, but hearing it from Juyeon will always feel different.

"Am I?" He says, hiding his embarrassement behind teasing as he usually does. 

But Juyeon doesn't even flinch. "You are." He just says, and Chanhee feels the air shifting. 

He gulps, seeing the tension growing between them before his eyes. "Thank you." He almost whispers. 

Juyeon doesn't answer anything, or do anything really, except for the way his gaze slowly runs down Chanhee's face, before going back to his eyes. Chanhee notices, and Juyeon knows damn well that he did, but he doesn't seem to pay any mind to it. 

Chanhee has noticed how Juyeon would be more bold these days. Not doing anything really drastic, but not shying away from Chanhee's eyes anymore, or even stare at him like he's doing right now. Maybe because of what they did that night. Maybe because Chanhee has been giving him signs that he is not indifferent to him. Chanhee doesn't have the time to think if it's right or wrong, too overwhelmed by the way Juyeon just won't look away. 

And Chanhee suddenly wants to get closer to him. To touch him, to feel him beside him. His hands ache and fidget, urging him to reach him but not knowing if it's right to. 

"Juyeon?" Chanhee finds himself speaking before he even thinks it through.

"Yes?" Juyeon answers, his voice as low as Chanhee's.

"Can I hold your hand?" Chanhee lets out, his voice wavering with uncertainity. Being with Juyeon must be damaging to his brain because he just keeps acting without thinking beforehand. 

He hears Juyeon's breath hitches. 

"Yes." He just answers, and it's enough for Chanhee to just let himself go and grabs Juyeon's hand in his.

Juyeon's hand is warm, Chanhee thinks immediately. Chanhee's skin is more on the cold side, so the warmness feel good. At first, Chanhee just holds his hand awkwardly, apparently suddenly forgetting how to hold hands with someone (blame it on the nervousness). But then Juyeon chuckles lowly and repositions their hands for them to intertwine their fingers correctly. Oh. That's nice. 

"Here." Juyeon says. 

They stay there for a few minutes, without moving, looking at the sky, Chanhee's thumb caressing slowly the back of Juyeon's hand. His heart hammering against his chest and his stomach squeezing in an unfamiliar way. But he also feels calm, surprisingly. Like everthing is where it should be. 

"What are you thinking about?" Juyeon asks, breaking the silence.

Chanhee immediately answers. "Not much." Just you, he prevents himself from adding. He looks at Juyeon and finds him already looking at him. "You?" He asks back.

"Not much either." Juyeon answers and his eyes find his Chanhee's lips again, but this time he takes a bit more time to tear his gaze away. This makes Chanhee heart skip a bit and he squeezes Juyeon's hand unconsciously. Oh? Would he? Chanhee feels like they're so gone already, they already know something is going on between them but a kiss would make everything.. too real. But.. He wants Juyeon to kiss him. So bad. He can't help but look at Juyeon's lips, too. 

"You can do it if you want to." Chanhee says, again without even thinking, softly, and he isn't even sure Juyeon heard him. 

Juyeon seems to freeze for a few seconds, thinking, and Chanhee is about to tell him to just forget about what he said when Juyeon actually moves closer to him. Is it really happening? They can't come back from this. This is a bad idea. But, who cares when he wants it so bad? Chanhee closes his eyes, waiting, as the seconds seem to last forever before he feel the press of soft lips against his. 

Juyeon is kissing him. And Chanhee wants to feel ashamed, guilty, but he can't. He just thinks about Juyeon, and the way his lips slowly move against his own. Chanhee doesn't take long to react and kiss Juyeon back. It feels nice. Really nice, even. His free hand starts to shake and he puts it on Juyeon's cheek to keep it from moving. 

Juyeon deepens the kiss, and Chanhee surpress a hum of satisfication. He is not able to think about anything right now. Just Juyeon. And how good this all feel. And how much he realizes he wanted this. 

They end the kiss quicker than Chanhee would have liked, but he suddenly feels too overwelmed to continue. 

"I'm sorry." Chanhee says immediately, panting, putting his forehead against Juyeon's. And he doesn't even know what he is truly apologizing for. 

But Juyeon seems to understand. "It's okay." He replies, breathing hard too. 

Chanhee knows he's probably going to regret his decision later on, but right now, he just nods and pulls Juyeon even closer to him. 

"That was nice. Thank you." Chanhee says, smiling, because it was nice. And maybe he already wants to do it again.

He hears the smile in Juyeon's voice when he replies a small and simple: "Yeah." 

They don't kiss again for the rest of the night, but they spend almost an hour just lying there, comforting in the presence of eachother, holding hands and giggling about everything and nothing, before they reluctantly go back to the dorms. And Chanhee is too euphoric to start wondering about whether it was a one time thing or not. He doesn't think about the consequences of it when he finally goes to bed, the feeling of the kiss still lingering on his lips. And he sleeps well that night, a smile not leaving his face. 

It's only the next day that he fully realizes what happened. And the thoughts and worries quickly start drowning him, the way it usually does. 

He thinks about the kiss, and mostly how selfish he was to pratically ask for it. And what it entails. What are they supposed to do now? Does it mean something more than just a kiss? He knows it does, and that what scares him : just how much Juyeon expect from him now? Can he even offer what Juyeon wants? He just acted stupidly, thinking only about himself and his desire (need) to kiss Juyeon. 

But it was so nice. Truly. He touches his lips softly and finds himself wishing that Juyeon wasn't in love with him, so they could just continue to kiss. Without it rushing to something Chanhee isn't ready for (will he ever be?), without the guilty feeling of leading him on, not sure that he could replicate those exact feelings. But at the same time.. Should they give it a shot? See where it goes? And risking breaking both of their hearts? Probably not. But breaking their hearts right now isn't any better, right?

The situation just keeps getting worse and Chanhee is not sure how they can get out of this unwounded. Maybe they can't. The only thing that he is certain about right now is that he wants to kiss Juyeon again. 

And he actually crashes into Juyeon sooner than he has wished. As he was going to wash up in the bathroom, he comes face to face with him already here, brushing his teeth. Chanhee is a bit taken off guard, and Juyeon too, judging by the look on his face. They stare at eachother for a few seconds, the tension almost tangile as no one dares to move even an inch. 

"Sorry." Chanhee finally says, as if he interrupted in any way (which he really didn't), not knowing what else to do.

Juyeon shakes his head. "It's okay. You can stay I'm almost finished." 

Which leads to them brushing their teeth together, in silence, not making any eyecontact. Isn't Juyeon taking a really long time to do it? Chanhee wonders. But he can't stop before Juyeon actually stops too, it's like an unspoken rule, right? 

Juyeon (finally) rinces his mouth and Chanhee follow him right after. He finishes cleaning himself up and sees in the reflection of the mirror Juyeon not making any movement of leaving soon, just looking at the back of his head. He bites his lip without meaning to. Are they going to talk about it right now? Is he going to kiss him? Or-

"Can you come to my room tonight please?" Juyeon says abruptly, and Chanhee has to suppress a jump. 

To his room? Tonight? Images come before Chanhee's eyes before he can stop them and he finds his cheeks starting to turn red.

"Sure." He says, trying to act as nonchalant as possible (not really succeding, he admits). 

Juyeon nods hesitantly, and seems to think about something, maybe something more to say, but he just smiles awkwardly.

"Cool."

"Cool." Chanhee repeats, feeling as awkward as Juyeon now.

Juyeon actually puts an end to their misery as he opens the door, gives Chanhee a last look before leaving and closing the door behind him. Chanhee puts his back to the door and closes his eyes, breathing deeply. What does it mean? Is it.. what he thinks this is? No, it can't be. Everyone is going to be at the dorm. But he surprises himself by not minding if Juyeon that what he meant.. even though he obviously shouldn't. Still, it stirs something in the pit of his stomach that he can't ignore. Juyeon is going to be the death of him. 

Chanhee thinks about it all day. And when it's finally night time, he feels his hands sweating and shaking in anticipation. He's come over all the scenarios in his head, and almost all of them lead them to.. that. But he shouldn't, no no. A part of him wants Juyeon to have meant totally something else so that he wouldn't be tempted but.. just thinking about it makes him feel a bit disappointed. 

He is right behind Juyeon's door, at almost two in the morning. They've just had the time to come home and wash up, so Juyeon must be still awake (he better be). Younghoon is not there, still working hard on the filming of his drama (but he must come back soon, in an hour or so), so that means Juyeon and Chanhee will be alone. He tries not to get this into his head (too late, he thinks) and gently knocks on the door.

A gentle "come in" can be heard and he push the door open, hands still shaking.

Juyeon is sitting on his bed, putting his phone down, with a simple t-shirt and a jogging, but how does he look gorgeous. His hair are slightly wet from the shower he just took and Chanhee wants to scream. But he doesn't, of course. He closes the door after him and smiles awkwardly at Juyeon, waiting.

Juyeon pats the space beside him hesitantly. 

"You can sit." He says, in case Chanhee didn't understand.

"Okay." Chanhee answers and sits at the edge of the bed, putting his hands together to stop them from trembling so damn much.

Juyeon sits up straight next to him. 

"So.." Chanhee starts, trying to break the ice but probably making it worse. Why are they still awkward after everything? Why is it so hard to look at Juyeon? 

"Yeah.. Uh. I wanted to talk about the.. thing." Juyeon says, styling pointlessly his still damped air. 

"The thing?" Chanhee plays dumb, as always, but he wants to make sure he is on the same page here.

"The kiss." Juyeon says, not without difficulty, and just hearing it out loud, proving that it indeed happened, makes Chanhee's heart beat a bit faster.

"Oh." Chanhee says. "Well.. What do you want to say?"

"Do you want to do it again?" Juyeon asks, bluntly, which Chanhee didn't expect. Juyeon can be really shy and awkward when he is embarrassed, but he always manages to say how he truly feels, straight to the point, and Chanhee envies him in that sense. 

Now, does Chanhee want to do it again? Yes. Of course he does. But should he? It's better for them if he says no. However, how can he just lie to Juyeon's face?

His internal conflict must have showned because Juyeon continues.

"Please.. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to do it again, it's fine I just.." 

Chanhee cuts him.

"It's not that." He shakes his head. 

Juyeon seems surprised.

"Oh? Then.. you want to?"

Chanhee bites his lip. Okay, he's a total idiot. He squeezes his eyes shut, not answering Juyeon's question.

"Chanhee.." He lets out in a breath, getting a bit closer. "Please, be honest with me." 

Chanhee thinks for a moment that Juyeon is being unfair here. But he's not, he realizes quickly. Chanhee is the one that messed up in the first place. And Juyeon is just in love with him. 

"What are you afraid of?" Juyeon asks. "Hurting me?"

Chanhee doesn't even have to answer that. He knows that Juyeon knows the answer already.

"Please don't be." Juyeon says, almost begging. 

Chanhee hears what's left to be said. That he already did. And that Juyeon doesn't care if he does it again. It's not right, but it's seem to be enough for him to give up, and murmurs a small "yes".

"Yes?"

He breathes deeply.

"Yes I want to kiss you again."

A moment of silence follows, and Chanhee waits up for a reaction that takes to long to come.

He feels the weight on the bed shifting towards him, and a hand softly caressing his cheek, barely, with just the tips of the fingers. Chanhee holds his breath, not daring to move. 

"I'm going to kiss you. Okay?" Juyeon says, his voice so close, making him shudder. 

Chanhee just nods. 

And Juyeon kisses him. Again. This isn't a mistake anymore. This is not something that can be pushed aside, brushed over, forgotten. They're kissing. And it's even better than the first time. 

Chanhee quickly let himself go and kiss Juyeon back. It's soft, at first, gentle, timid, but it quickly becomes more messy as soon as Juyeon tries to put his tongue in his mouth. Chanhee parts his lips, because he can't refuse anything to this man. And Juyeon's kisses are heavenly, Chanhee confirms. The way he moves against him is something Chanhee has never experienced before. Not that good, not that intense. Maybe it's because it's Juyeon that it feels so different.

They break off the kiss to breath a bit, but Chanhee quickly catches his lips again, hungry for more. He feels like he could do it all night. And Juyeon lets him, putting his hands on Chanhee's waist to keep him steady, as he kisses him back even harder than before.

Chanhee doesn't know how many time has passed when they finally stop, it felt so long but also so short, and his heart might burts out of his ribcage at any second now. He puts his head on Juyeon's shoulder, trying to catch his breath but not wanting to let him go. And Juyeon doesn't seem to want that either, putting his arms around Chanhee to keep him close. 

They stay there for a few minutes, enjoying the moment, in a comfortable silence.

And Chanhee doesn't think. He doesn't care about anything right now, only focusing on the way Juyeon's hands are slowly drawing soothing circles on his back, and how if he concentrates enough he can almost hear Juyeon's heartbeat. There is no time to think when he's there. When Juyeon is with him.

"Chanhee." Juyeon says, his voice hoarse and Chanhee almost chuckles hearing it (if it wasn't so hot).

"Yes?"

"I love you." Juyeon says, voice breathy.

These words don't scare him like it used to do. He knows now. Still, it makes the knot in his stomach tighten, but he's not sure if it's pleasant or not. 

Chanhee just squeezes Juyeon a bit tighter. Juyeon doesn't say anything about it, probably not expecting a reply anyway. And Chanhee knows he didn't say that to pressure him to say it back anyway.

They stay there for a few more seconds, in comfortable silence, and Chanhee feels like everthing is right. He closes his eyes and pulls Juyeon even closer (if that's possible).

"Did you use my shampoo?" Chanhee suddenly asks, smelling the scent of his shampoo in Juyeon's hair, as if nothing just happened. Juyeon actually chuckles.

"You're unbelievable." Juyeon says, and Chanhee would think that he's upset if not for the fondness in his voice. "Yes I used it."

Chanhee doesn't ask why. He already knows. And he likes maybe a bit too much that Juyeon wants Chanhee's scent on him. 

"Do you mind it?" Juyeon asks.

"No." Chanhee immediately replies. "You can keep using it." 

"Thank you. I like it." Juyeon says, and is about to continue when they suddenly hear footsteps coming in their direction. 

Younghoon. Of course. Chanhee completely forgot about that. 

They just have the time to let go of eachother in almost panic and try to put an adequat distance between them, when the footsteps stop just before the door. They hold their breath, trying to act casual (but knowing damn well that they're far from it) and Chanhee is already making up something to explain why he is in their room this late in the night. But the person behind the door goes away, and the sound of footsteps is slipping away until it's totally gone.

They sigh in relief.

"He's probably taking a shower." Juyeon says, and Chanhee nods, because yeah, that explains it. They were lucky on this one. And Chanhee realizes that they should be more careful from now on. Wait, will this continue? He wonders for a second, but it looks like it might. If Chanhee wants it, because after all, Juyeon will never say no to him. And Chanhee feels like he has never wanted anything more. 

"I should go before he comes back." Chanhee says, reluctantly. He doesn't want to leave Juyeon yet. 

Juyeon hesitantely nods. "Yeah.." 

Chanhee looks at him for a second, taking all of it in a last time before he leaves. He can't help but pecks Juyeon's lips for good mesure, despite wanting something more. Juyeon looks a bit taken aback, and Chanhee giggles.

"You're cute." Chanhee says as he gets up, trying to tidy his clothes a little bit even though he won't probably run into anyone at this hour. 

Juyeon huffs and shakes his head, but Chanhee notices the way his cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

"Go to sleep." Juyeon only says, and Chanhee smiles.

"Yeah." Chanhee goes to open the door, but Juyeon calls his name. He stops and turns around, interrogating. 

"Let's do it again, okay?" Juyeon says, smiling widely and hopefully. 

Chanhee feels something burning inside him. He doesn't think twice. 

"Okay." Chanhee anwers, nodding, and his grip thighens on the handle as he closes the door slowly behind him. 

They're going to do it again. Chanhee is not backing down now. He can't anymore. It's scary, it's everything Chanhee has tried to avoid, but.. it feels so much better than he imagined. 

He walks to his room, lost in his thoughts which consist of just Juyeon, Juyeon, Juyeon, when he surprisingly walks by Kevin wide awake in the kitchen, playing on his phone. 

"Not sleeping?" Kevin asks, as soon as he sees him, and Chanhee nods.

"I'm going to now. You?" 

Kevin smiles awkwadly.

"Yeah, I should go too."

Chanhee nods. "Okay, don't stay up too late."

Chanhee just waves him good night, walking straight to his room, grateful that Kevin didn't comment on the stupid smile not leaving his face.

It's easier than Chanhee would have thought. And it comes naturally, too. They just kiss, sometimes, when they have the time, when they can be hidden from prying eyes. They kiss between two performances, they kiss when everyone else is already asleep, they kiss when they have the bathroom to themselves. It's nice, it's comforting, and it's also thrilling. To know that they share this. And to know that no one else beside them can have this. Chanhee loves it way more than he thought he would. And that's kind of scary, but kind of not. He just doesn't think when he's Juyeon. Everything his mind goes over and over every night just disappears when Juyeon kisses him. He can't tell him that they should stop. He doesn't find the words to, or even the need to, when they're together. 

So they just continue their little thing. And it's fine by them. It should be enough, right? Doesn't need to be anything more. Juyeon looks happy like that. He knows that's all Chanhee can give him. Doesn't he? 

But he has stopped saying Chanhee that he loves him, he has noticed. Maybe he doesn't like not hearing it back, and Chanhee can't blame him. 

And Chanhee can see him holding back sometimes, not daring to make the first move, always hesitant.

But it's fine. 

Juyeon is happy, right? 

Those thoughts and worries leave Chanhee's mind as soon as Juyeon enters the room. Chanhee is sitting on the couch, watching a drama on the big tv screen as everyone else is already in their beds. He knew Juyeon would find him.

"Mind if I join you?" Juyeon asks, voice small but certain. 

"Come here." Chanhee answers, patting the empty place beside him. 

Juyeon obeys without saying anything, sitting closer than he has too, his thigh pressed against Chanhee's.

"Is it the drama Eric likes?" He asks, making himself comfortable.

Chanhee only nods, but he's not watching the screen anymore. 

Juyeon looks casual tonight. Already changed into his night clothes, his black hair falls lighlty on his forehead, and his oversize white t-shirt comes down a bit low on his collarbones. Chanhee likes that Juyeon the best, if he is honest with himself. He just feels.. right. And Chanhee wants to kiss his face so bad. 

Juyeon looks back at him, smiling, not moving an inch.

He knows what Juyeon wants, judging by the awkwardness from the way he's just sitting there, staring. Juyeon has never been really discreet, but he also doesn't seem to make his move any time soon. 

And Chanhee is not the patient type.

"Aren't you going to kiss me?" He blurts out, his eyes already on Juyeon's lips. 

Juyeon's smile widdens. 

"Can't we talk a little bit?" Juyeon teases, and Chanhee scowls.

He knows what he's doing to him, Chanhee thinks, but he is not having any of it. Chanhee hates being teased. He quickly sits up and puts his lips on Juyeon's eagerly, not even wasting his time on answering the question. 

Despite his previous answer, Juyeon quickly kisses Chanhee back. He puts his hands on the back of Chanhee's neck, keeping them stable and grounded. 

It's always nice, kissing Juyeon. And Chanhee feels like it's getting better everytime they do it. And he wants more. And more. Craving for anything that Juyeon could give him. 

Chanhee puts his hands on Juyeon's hips, digging his fingers lightly, but enough for him to feel it. Juyeon hums against his lips. 

Chanhee takes his lips off Juyeon's abruptly.

"Sit on my lap." He says, demanding, like he always is.

Juyeon looks surprised, but the shy smile on his face tells Chanhee that he likes it. Of course he does.

"Okay." He answers, small, as he straddles Chanhee, now sitting on his thighs. 

Juyeon is bigger than Chanhee, so maybe that looks funny. But it doesn't to him. Juyeon looks absolutely gorgeous. Vulnerable, pretty, ready to give him anything he asks for.

Chanhee's hands find Juyeon's waist. 

"Aren't you so pretty?" He says, taking in the view as much as he can.

Juyeon shifts awkwardly, the hint of blush on his cheeks barely visible, but there.

"Stop. That's embarrassing." He says, avoiding eyecontact. 

Chanhee smiles even more.

"Is it? But you like hearing it, don't you?" 

Juyeon doesn't answer, and it's enough confirmation for Chanhee.

"Look at me." Chanhee says, and Juyeon does what he is told.

Chanhee feels like he's on top of the world right now. He caresses Juyeon's waist slowly on top of his shirt, squeezing a bit when he wants to, and Juyeon doesn't look away, his mouth a bit agape.

Chanhee sits straighter, his face coming closer to Juyeon's.

"Do you remember what you told me you imagined us doing on that couch?" He says, voice low and his lips almost touching Juyeon's.

He sees Juyeon's eyes widden and he chuckles.

"You do, right?" 

Chanhee is just teasing him. He's not going to actually do Juyeon's little fantasy, he tells himself. It's just to see him flustered, right? He wouldn't cross that line. Not now, not yet. Maybe not ever. But.. 

"Chanhee.." Juyeon answers, his breathing starting to turn heavy.

But maybe he wants to. 

"Yeah? Don't you want to do it?" Chanhee teases without really thinking about it, pulling Juyeon against him and he hears him suppress a gasp. 

Intoxicated. That's the right word to describe how Juyeon makes him feel. Chanhee is very practical, very logical. He thinks things over and over until they make sense in his head. He makes sure he does the right thing, takes the less shitty decision, makes the right move. He can be sensitive, yes, but he also isn't someone that let his feelings take over his mind.

Except with Juyeon. It's so different than everything Chanhee has ever experienced. His brain just shuts off, only thinking about how pretty Juyeon is, how big his hands is, how warm his skin feel, how cute he looks when he's being shy. Everything just takes over and make an uncoherent mess in his mind. It's overwhelming, but in a good way. Chanhee wants to feel more of that. Wants to abandon himself to the feeling of having Juyeon against him.

He wants to take the wrong path, the worst decision he could, despite knowing that he will regret it.

Right now. He just thinks about right now when Juyeon is here. 

"We- we can't.. What about the others.." Juyeon stutters, his face now obviously red, his thighs trembling.

"What about them?" Chanhee says, confidently.

"They might see us.." Juyeon says, but his resolve seems to weaken every second that passes.

Chanhee knows that Juyeon is right, and one of the member walking on them would be the worst case scenario for both of them. But in that moment, lost in Juyeon's eyes, he doesn't think, he can't. He just wants more.

"Then let's give them something to look at." Chanhee says, closing the gap between their faces and kissing Juyeon again. Slowly. Tempting. Making sure Juyeon wants it too. 

Juyeon's lips move against his. 

They kiss slowly, but Chanhee quickly tries to shift it to an open mouth kiss, sliding his tongue against Juyeon's lips to pry them open. 

It's messy, but incredibly hot, and it's probably the farthest they've ever go to. They make out sometimes, when they have more than two minutes, but Juyeon pressing against him is a total new sensation and it makes Chanhee craves for more. 

He backs away from the kiss, and starts brushing his lips against his jaw, not really kissing, just barely caressing the skin. Juyeon tenses against him, his hand coming to the back of his neck.

Chanhee continues his way toward Juyeon's neck, and he finally puts his lips fully on it, kissing it softly. He feels Juyeon's thighs shake even more against him.

"Chanhee.." He breathes out, hesitant, almost like a question.

Upon hearing his name, Chanhee knows that it's too late, that he's too far gone. He starts licking the skin, tentatively, and it's enough for Juyeon to let out a quiet moan and rolls his hips against Chanhee's. 

Oh. 

He backs away from Juyeon, surprised, suddenly very aware of Juyeon on top of him, and the way his jeans feel a bit tigher. He knows that what he wants. So bad. But the sudden friction caught him out of guard. And maybe made him realize what he's about to do. He finds Juyeon looking at him, eyes wide.

"I'm sorry-" He starts to say, probably taking the fact that Chanhee backed down the wrong way. 

Something feels off. The air shifts weirdly, and Chanhee starts to come down from how high he felt just a moment ago. He still wants to continue, to kiss Juyeon's neck and every part of him, but the doubts start making their way into his mind again. He doesn't want them to. No. He only wants to think about Juyeon. But..

"No. I'm the one that shoud apologize. I went too far." Chanhee says, because he has to. They shouldn't. He tries to keep his thoughts clear, having lost himself in Juyeon for a minute, despite the arousal growing deep inside him.

But Juyeon whines. He actually whines, Chanhee looks at him, surprised and well, very horny. What is he doing to him? 

"Noyou didn't Chanhee.. Please.. Can we continue I-.." Juyeon says, breathless, souding needy and Chanhee knows he is restraining himself not to roll his hips against his again. 

Chanhee's hands start to tremble.

"Juyeon.. We can't.." Chanhee says, despite how much he wants to continue. He just can't do that to them. He acted stupidly. 

Kissing is one thing, but having sex.. It's a line Chanhee has told himself not to cross. Not until he can reciprocate his feelings. And maybe that day will never come. 

But Juyeon is not having it.

"Why.. Please.." Juyeon begs him, putting himself closer, pressing their lower bodies against eachother and Chanhee is going to lose his mind at this rate.

"I.. I can't do that to you.." Chanhee says, difficultly. 

"Chanhee, please.." Juyeon says, souding more serious, but his voice still breathy. "Stop treating me like that."

Chanhee again can't hide his surprise.

"Like what?"

"Like I can't decide for myself."

Chanhee gapes like an idiot, unable to answer. Has he been doing that? Now that Juyeon says this.. Maybe he did. And maybe he's doing this right now too. Deciding what's good for Juyeon without consulting him. On one hand, he doesn't think Juyeon can make the right decision, blinded by his feelings for him, but one the other.. He's not a child. He's an adult, making his own choices, even if they are mistakes, he's free to make them. It's not right for Chanhee to take that away from him. 

Juyeon continues.

"I know you don't love me. It's fine." Juyeon says, calmly, but Chanhee's heart hurts nonetheless. "I take what you can give me. I don't mind." 

Chanhee feels a knot forming in his stomach. Juyeon is too good for Chanhee. He already knew that, right from the start, but as the days pass by he realizes just how much. What did Chanhee do for him to deserve that kind of love?

"You deserve better, Juyeon. You know that." Chanhee says, voice small, vulnerable, making himself wish he could hide right now.

"I know." Juyeon answers, simply. "But you're not a bad person Chanhee. Stop acting like it." Juyeon takes Chanhee head in his hands, looking right into his eyes. "Stop thinking. Just do what you want to do to me." 

The words send shivers down his spine, and make his toes curl. Juyeon is right. It's not fair for him to decide what is right for him or not. But is it an excuse to hurt him like he does?

Seeing Chanhee hesitant, Juyeon starts rolling his hips, slowly, making it possible for Chanhee to stop him if he wants to, he notices. 

He wants it so bad, wants to grind against him and lost himself to the feeling. He has never wanted to lose his mind more than in that moment.

"Or at least let me do it." Juyeon says, voice low and breathy, and Chanhee is too weak. How can he say no?

Juyeon is basically offering everything he wants, without asking anything in return that Chanhee can't give him. 

And Chanhee is only human. A flawed human, that likes having Juyeon kissing him, touching him, loving him.

He closes his eyes, his head falling backwards, the sensation coming down on him all at once. Juyeon grinds a bit harder, the friction starting to make him moan softly.

"Chanhee." He breathes out.

"Fuck." Chanhee can only lets out, opening his eyes, wanting to see Juyeon, as his hands start gripping hard on his hips, now leading his movements against him.

It's so good. Hearing him moan his name, seeing him so pretty and flustered on top of him, their eyes locked in a way that makes Chanhee's heart beats like crazy against his chest.

"Juyeon..I-" Chanhee starts to say, but stops himself. He has so many things he wants to say, but none of it feels right. Words can't describe how much Chanhee is feeling right now.

It's in that moment, reaching for something they have wanted for so long, moaning eachother names, that they hear a loud gasp coming from the door.

Chanhee's heart drops to his stomach.

They immediately put an abrupt halt to their movements, and the silence crushes on them, heavy. 

Chanhee turns his head immediately, to see Changmin by the door, looking at them, his eyes wide and his mouth agape. 

Oh no. 

Chanhee doesn't move, too shocked to do anything, not really processing what's really happening right now. 

His heart start beating very hard against his chest, painfully, and he feels like the time is on hold.

"What?" Changmin says after a few seconds, his eyes going from Chanhee to Juyeon, apparently not realizing the situation neither. "You.."

Juyeon moves away from Chanhee, slowly, like if he moves slow enough he could disappear. He adverts his eyes, sitting down next to him on the couch.

"Changmin.." Chanhee says, knowing that Juyeon is not going to say anything. "It's not.." Chanhee stops himself. It's not what you think it is? Does it really help to say that in this situation? Does he even know what Changmin thinks it is?

"I'm sorry." Changmin says, moving his hands, panic clear in his voice. "I didn't see anything.. I.. Sorry." He stutters before turning around and leaving them alone, in silence.

They don't say anything. Changmin saw them. That's right, isn't it? Changmin just saw two of his members grinding against eachother, in the living room. A hundred thoughts are running on Chanhee's mind right now. As if it wasn't complicated anything. He finds Juyeon's eyes.

"What do we do?" Juyeon asks, still looking flustered from earlier and Chanhee kind of wish they weren't just interupted. But it isn't the priority right now. 

Chanhee sighs, putting his head in his hands.

"I'll talk to him. Don't worry." He says, trying to reassure him the best he can, even though he doesn't know how he could make it better. 

But they're probably overreacting, he tells himself. It's only Changmin, it would have been worse if they had been caught by a staff member of something. Chanhee shudders at the thought only. It will be fine. Sure, they would have preferred to keep it a total secret. But one person knowing is manageable. They can do it. At least Changmin won't tell anyone else, right?

"You told Younghoon?" Chanhee almost screams, disbelief clear in his voice, as Changmin sits guiltily in front of him, biting his lip nervously.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know what to do!" Changmin says, obviously stressed out and Chanhee can already feels his annoyance comes down a bit. 

Chanhee cornered Changmin first thing in the morning the day after the incident, thinking that dragging it would only make it worse. They should talk it out immediately, despite Chanhee not really wanting to. He decided to be a responsible adult this time. And maybe that way Juyeon can feel less anxious. Chanhee can take it.

But he didn't expect Changmin to have already told someone about it.

Chanhee sighs. It was already embarrassing enough to have Changmin find out, especially that way, but Younghoon knows too now? This is just getting worse.

"Okay." He says, trying to calm himself as much as possible. It's their fault in the first place for fooling around in the living room, he admits. He sits next to Changmin on his bed. "You only told him, right?" He makes sure.

Changmin nods.

"Okay." Chanhee repeats. It should be fine. It's only Younghoon. He doesn't know how he will face him in the future but well.

It's different with Changmin. Sure, it's embarrassing and Chanhee knows that the image is probably engraved in Changmin's mind, which makes Chanhee awkward too, but it's Changmin. They're closer than probably anyone else, and Chanhee has shared a lot of things with him. He would have found out sooner or later anyway. 

"Well, maybe if you were not having sex in the living room.." Changmin says, starting to sound a bit teasing, but talking way too loudly for Chanhee's liking. He shushes him.

"We were not having sex!" Chanhee whispers aggressively, and Changmin gives him the most skeptical look Chanhee has ever seen on him.

"You were about to." Changmin says, and Chanhee can't really say anything on that part.

"Anyway.." Changmin says, shaking his head and the argument is done just like that. They can't really be mad at eachother, Chanhee has found that a long time ago. "So..You and Juyeon..?" Changmin continues, a smirk quickly remplacing the guilty look he had on just a moment ago.

Chanhee groans. He doesn't want to have that conversation at all.

"I'm not judging!" Changmin assures him. "It's just.. surprising."

Chanhee can only agree. If a few weeks ago someone had told him that he would have something going on with Juyeon, he wouldn't have believed them. But here he is. 

"Yeah.. I guess." Chanhee says, awkwardly. He doesn't want to really talk about it but he feels like he kind of owe Changmin explanations. Right?

"So.. are you like boyfriends now?" Changmin asks, and Chanhee immediately answers.

"No." He shakes his head, but he has to admit hearing the words boyfriends to refer to Juyeon and him make him feel.. weird, but also scared. 

"Oh?" Changmin says. "So like.. friends with benefits?" He asks, genuinely curious.

Chanhee doesn't know if they can be considered as such. He doesn't really like that label. They're not just friends. Juyeon is in love with him, and Chanhee.. They can't be, right? Everything would be easier if they were just that. 

But explaning everything to Changmin is scary. Chanhee doesn't really like that side of him. The shame of not loving Juyeon back, of still taking advantage of him when all he does is clearly hurting both of them a little more everyday. 

"We could say that." Chanhee decides to answer, biting his lip.

But Changmin knows him too well.

"You don't seem to think that." He says, and Chanhee grits his teeth. Changmin notices. "I'm sorry you maybe don't want to talk about it but.. Chanhee.. You can tell me everything. I'm your friend." He says, putting his hand on his knee, squeezing it. 

Changmin is right. He knows he won't judge him for that but.. he can't help but tells himself that nothing can truly excuse his actions. However, maybe talking about it would help him. Make the burden less heavy. 

"Juyeon is in love with me." Chanhee blurts out before he can regret it. 

Perhaps it's not his place to say that. It probably isn't, to be honest, but Chanhee feels like if he bottles up everything for longer he will just explode. So he just gives in. Like he does, everytime. 

"Oh." Changmin answers back, probably not expecting that kind of development. "And you aren't?" 

Chanhee hesitates for a second, before shaking his head. 

Changmin hums. "Does he know? That you don't love him?" 

Chanhee nods, still silent. He feels vulnerable, admitting it finally. He can't look at Changmin, the guilt even more crushing after saying it outloud. He must thinks he is a terrible person, even if he is never going to say it to his face. 

"Chanhee.." Changmin says, his voice softening. "I'm not going to judge you, you know that?" He slowly pats his hair, comforting, and Chanhee closes his eyes. "I know you're probably beating yourself up enough already." 

Chanhee bites his lip, hard, preventing himself from crying. 

"But I'm hurting him so much Changmin.. I can't I-.." He breathes out shakely. No, he can not cry. Not again.

"Hey.. Look at me." Changmin says, and Chanhee immediately obeys.

Changmin's eyes are always so warm, so welcoming and full of comfort. And right now that's all Chanhee needs. Knowing that Changmin will be here for him no matter what. 

His own eyes start to water.

"Talk to me." Changmin says.

So Chanhee does. He lets out everything that has been on his mind lately. How guilty he felt rejecting Juyeon's confession, how everything changed and became awkward between them after it, and how the way he saw Juyeon gradually changed over the time. How he feels so attracted to him, but also so scared, having not loved anyone before to the point that he thought he just couldn't do it. And maybe he can't? He doesn't know what he feels for Juyeon. And he is so scared of messing up, of leading him on, but that's what he is doing right now, isn't he? He shares the consuming thoughts and guilt that don't leave him. And the way only Juyeon's presence can calm him down. How good he feels around Juyeon, how truly himself and how carefree he can be.

He talks and talks for maybe an hour, and Changmin is here. Listening. Chanhee cries at some point, he's not even sure when. It's hard, but also so liberating. Maybe that's what Chanhee needed. A friend who could listen. And he already had that, he was just too blinded by his guilt to take the first step.

He finishes talking, blowing his nose in the tissues Changmin has handed him. Changmin seems to think for a second.

"Why don't you give Juyeon a fair shot?" Changmin asks, like it's simple, and Chanhee is about to protest but he continues. "I know that sounds stupid after everything you told me but.. Hear me out a second."

Chanhee closes his mouth.

"You're afraid of hurting him, aren't you? Of starting something you're not sure you could go through with?" Changmin asks, and Chanhee nods. "But I think you like Juyeon." 

Upon hearing it, Chanhee doesn't know how to feel. He feels like he knew, maybe too afraid to admit, but deep down.. He knows. But it's still not love-

"But you don't love him, that's what you're telling yourself, right?" Changmin asks, and Chanhee hates him for knowing him too damn much. "But how can you love him if you're not even giving yourself a chance to?"

Is Changmin right? Is Chanhee not allowing himself to fall in love with Juyeon? 

"Love is not something you feel instantely. It can take years to love someone, I think." Changmin continues, and it feels like he has already thought about the question, like Chanhee. But his approach is totally different. "And it's not guaranteed. Nothing is. It comes, it goes. But.. if you try, maybe.. Maybe it will be what you were searching for." 

"But what if it's not?" Chanhee asks, not being able to ignore the possibility of fucking everything up.

"Then it will hurt, of course. But doesn't it already?" Changmin asks. 

It's not the safest way. It's not what Chanhee would do usually. Gambling his friendship on a feeling that might bloom one day, if they're lucky. Risking hurting everyone around him. Risking losing everything. But Changmin is right. Isn't it already too late anyway? 

"And I think Juyeon is ready to take that risk." Changmin assures him, and Chanhee doesn't have to think it through to know that it's true. 

Juyeon wants this, Chanhee is sure of it. He doesn't care if Chanhee hurts him. He just wants a chance. Isn't that the least Chanhee could offer him? And hearing it from someone else.. Someone like Changmin makes him truly believe that probably the best thing he can do right now. Just giving them a chance. 

"You're right." Chanhee almost whispers, and Changmin looks satisfied with himself.

"Like always. Now go talk to him." Changmin hushes him.

"Right now?" Chanhee asks, surprised.

"Well. Today at least."

Chanhee thinks about it all day. They have a pretty busy day, filled with schedules, so he doesn't find any time alone with Juyeon until it's already night time. But maybe it's for the best, now they have all the time in the world to talk this out. He has told Younghoon to sleep with Eric tonight (it took everything in him to act naturally), trying to ignore the half smug, half disgusted look he sent his way, or the way he muttered "not in my bed please" when he left. 

Now Chanhee is inside Juyeon's room, both sitting on his bed, Juyeon's hand already on his thigh, comforting. He didn't ask anything when Chanhee came into his room, just giving him room on his bed. It's not really a surprising occurence anymore after all. 

"Juyeon.. I.." Chanhee starts before stopping himself, realizing he doesn't even know how to say this. I don't love you but maybe I could? Let's try this out? Isn't that a bit too blunt?

Juyeon looks at him, obviously interested, but patient, waiting for him to continue.

Chanhee breathes deeply. 

"I like you. I think." Chanhee says, awkwardly before cringing to himself. "No. I know I do." 

He said it. It's out in the open now. He feels his hands starting to sweat, he really hopes Changmin is right about this. It's making him that anxious even though he knows Juyeon likes him back. He truly wonders how Juyeon could have found the courage to confess to him in the first place. But in retrospect, he is glad he did.

Juyeon just stares for a few seconds, his mouth open before he lets out a shaky "What?". 

Chanhee bites his lip.

"I.. I just.. I like you." He says again, and why can he say those words so easily? "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize but.. I want to.. Try something with you?" Chanhee says, souding a bit hesitant even though his mind is sure about it now.

Juyeon doesn't answer, gaping at him, and it suddenly makes Chanhee feel a bit self-conscious.

"I mean.. If you want to of course.." He continues, now playing with his hands nervously. Maybe he wasn't right about-

"Chanhee." Juyeon says, softly. Chanhee lifts his head up. "Are you sure about it?" He asks, disbelief in his voice.

"I am."

It was hard to realize what he wanted, but now that he does, he probably hasn't been so sure about something in his entire life.

"I-.. I'm sorry I'm processing it right now.." Juyeon says, and Chanhee chuckles.

"It's okay." He assures him. It probably is a surprise for Juyeon. A good one, he hopes, but from the look on his face it seems to be.

"So you really.. You want.. with me? Try to date?" Juyeon asks again, probably making sure, and Chanhee nods.

"It's probably not a good idea.. with us being in the same group and stuff but.. I want to. I really do." Chanhee explains, and he realizes just how much he means it. He probably wanted this for long, and saying it now feels just right. Like that is what he is supposed to do.

Juyeon's eyes start to tear up, to his surprise. Why? Did he say something that he shouldn't have? Does Juyeon not want it anymore? No.. It's not that. But then? "Juyeon? Did I say something wrong?" Chanhee asks, panicking. 

"No." Juyeon shakes his head. "It's just.. I've wanted this for so long." He says, his voice shaky.

It's enough for Chanhee to close the gap between them and hugs him, tighly, putting his head in the crook of his neck. He could never truly understands how hard it was for Juyeon. How much he has hurt him. But.. It's different now. He's not going to make him suffer anymore, he promises himself, even though he knows it's a hard thing to be sure of. But he truly believes so. He can't allow it to happen again.

"Juyeon.. Hey.. I'm here now, right?" Chanhee whispers, and he can feel Juyeon smiling despite the tears now falling down his face.

"You are." He says, putting his arms around Chanhee's waist and putting him even closer. 

Chanhee backs down just a bit to take Juyeon's face in his hands, looking closely into his teary eyes and wiping away the tears softly with his thumbs.

"I am." He says, and Juyeon smiles. Warmly, beautifully. 

"I love you." Juyeon says, the words now sounding so good on his lips. Making Chanhee's heart misses a step, and his stomach flutters. 

Chanhee kisses him in response. 

It's a bit salty, too overwhelming, but it's everything Chanhee has ever wanted and more. He likes Juyeon. He has Juyeon. And he doesn't want to let go anytime soon.

They kiss for a while, neither of them wanting to break the contact, touching where they can touch, holding onto eachother like their lives depend on it.

When they finally break the kiss, Juyeon immediately starts kissing Chanhee's neck, softly, but also incredibly needy. 

"Juyeon.." Chanhee breathes out, the sensation making his head spin and wanting more. So much more. And this time he doesn't feel guilty anymore for it. 

Juyeon continues working on his neck until Chanhee is a panting mess on top of him. He lets go, obviously satisfied with himself.

"My turn now." Chanhee says, pushing Juyeon down on his back, and sitting on his hips, making himself comfortable. 

Juyeon lets Chanhee do what he wants, taking everything and more, moaning probably too loud but who cares at this point. Not Chanhee, that's for sure. All he wants is to make Juyeon remembers this as the best night he's ever had.

"Can I do something to you?" Chanhee asks, while he kisses Juyeon's chest after some time and some undressing, and Juyeon whimpers.

"Yes. Please, yes." Juyeon begs, already a flustered mess under him.

Everything is a bit awkward, a bit clumsy, but it makes Chanhee feel things he didn't know he could. To hear Juyeon, to touch him, to kiss every part of him he can think of. Is this what it is? Was it always there right in front of him, what he searched for?

Juyeon comes with whispers of his name and "I love you", and Chanhee truly thinks he has never been this happy than in that moment. 

All of the members are gathered in the living room, pieces of chicken they just had delivered on the table, celebrating the end of promotions. It ended well, despite everything. They still managed to perform at their best and they even won a few trophees, so they're beyond satisfied. And they really think they deserve a treat.

Juyeon is sitting across from Chanhee, laughing with Haknyeon and Chanhee can't take his eyes away from him. They've been doing well lately, both of them. Chanhee hasn't regretted his decision for even a second, enjoying every moment he shares with Juyeon, and enjoying everything he can do with him (and to him, to be honest). He smiles to himself. He might just fall in love with him after all. 

Too focused on staring at Juyeon, he is surprised when Kevin nudges his side. 

"Can you get me the salt please?" He asks, and Chanhee nods. The salt is right beside Juyeon, and he is a bit too lazy to go fetch it himself. 

"Baby, can you give me the salt please?" He asks, naturally, his hand stretched towards Juyeon. 

Juyeon looks back at him, eyes wide, and Chanhee realizes.

Everyone is suddenly silent, too. It goes on for a few seconds, and Chanhee is about to defend himself by one way or another when he hears Changmin laughs loudly beside him. 

"What the hell?" Sunwoo lets out, and Juyeon's face turns a deep red. 

Well.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! :)  
> Also I just made a writing account on twitter so if you want u can follow me there: [@itsyuus](https://twitter.com/itsyuus)


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